A Potional Mind Year 1
by Lazarus Risen
Summary: In this first installment of a series about Severus Snape's life, Severus is in his first year and has to put up with his brothers, his insane friends, the Marauders, girl problems, and giant purple bullfrogs. Chaos ensue. Chapter 18 is up!
1. Oh no, not you

A Potional Mind

A/N: Well, here it is…the story I had mentioned in Confessions of a Death Eater. Ta-da! *strikes a pose* Anybob, read, review, and enjoy. But first of all…I'm going to be adding a title page to this one. And you know those pages with the copyrights on them? Yeah, that's where my disclaimer is goin'. Bye.

A Potional Mind

* * * "Charming!"

-Daily Prophet, starred review

"None of it's true, I tell you!"

-Severus Snape

"Ha ha, Severus!"

-Remus Lupin

"Der, isn't this that movie when the dude sees stuff?"

-Dudley Dursley

By Me123

Best selling author of the Smith Series

© 2002-2003, FanFiction.net

I OWN ALMOST NOTHING! NOBODY EXCEPT:

Dan Caldwell

Bill Bob Esquire

Bill Macintosh

Bob Johnson

Dave Trite

Milton Snape

Sylvester "Sly" Snape

Taye Snape

Smith Smith

I copyright all these people and you can't take 'em! So there! *sticks out tounge*

Dedicated to Severus Snape

Without you, this book wouldn't be possible…because it's a biography of you, stupid!

All insults belong to Professor Snape.

Chapter 1

"Oh no, not you…"

       Severus Snape was not your average boy. He did not like to play with other children, he liked to work on stuff alone in his room, and he had shoulder length greasy black hair. He also happened to have this nasty burn on his left shoulder, which his older brothers said came from a monkey kissing him, since he looked so much like one. When they made comments such as these, they lived to regret them…

       Severus had been born into a pureblood wizarding family. He had two older brothers and one younger sister, who's names were Milton, Sylvester, and Taye.  His father was a Death Eater, and his mother usually stayed at home to take care of the kids. Milton was a sixth year at Hogwarts. Sly (which was Sylvester's nickname of course) was in his fourth year, and Severus was expecting his letter any day now. Taye didn't count, since she was only five. So far, everyone in his family had been Slytherins. You could say poor ole Sev had  a lot to live up to. But he didn't mind…much.

       Severus had inherited his eternally greasy black hair from his grandfather (dad's side), his abnormally large nose from his father, and his beady, cold eyes were from his mother. Every one of his siblings (except for Taye) had gotten the hair. Only Sev had gotten the nose so far. Sly had gotten the eyes, too.

       Right now, Severus was working on a potion. Severus loved making potions more than anything else. He was rather good at it too. He didn't know where he had gotten his love or talent for potions from. Maybe his great-great-great-great grandpa or something. Anyway…

       "Sev!" shouted Sly, pounding on Severus' door. "SEV!"

       _What now_, thought Severus and abandoned his cauldron and answered the door.

       "What do you want, Sly?" asked Severus.

       "You got your letter, dude," said Sly, and handed over a parchment envelope.

       Severus scowled. He hated it when his older brother called him "dude". He snatched the envelope out of Sly's hand.

       "Give me that!" he hissed.

       ""Woah, calm down, Slim," grinned Sly. Severus scowled even darker. He also hated it when his brothers called him Slim. It sounded so retarded.

       "Leave," said Severus bitterly, and slammed the door in Sly's face.

       "You've got issues man!" shouted Sly.

       Severus stuck his tongue out and ripped his letter open.

       Dear Mr. Snape,

       We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry…

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," said Severus to himself, and put the letter in his folder.

       This folder was not just any old folder. It was Severus Snape's life. Every single one of his mementos was in that crummy, cheap folder. Sound pathetic? Well, it is. That's why Severus had never shown the folder to anyone. His brothers would tease him mercilessly, and his mother and father would shake their heads in exasperation.

       "Where did we go wrong with him?" They would ask each other.

       Severus didn't know. He had no idea.

*    *     *    *   *

"All right, Milton," said Severus' mom. "You first!"

Milton swung around with his trolley and ran through the barrier to Platform 9 ¾.

"All right, Sly. You next." Said his mother. Sly did the same.

Before his mother could say anything, Severus ran towards the brick wall. When he finally got on the other side, he felt a balloon of happiness swelling up inside of him.

He was free. Free from Dad and his stupid rules, free from mom's overprotectiveness, and from baby sitting Taye constantly. Of course, there were still his brothers, but you couldn't have everything in life.

Severus boarded the train and searched for a vacant compartment. When he opened up his 108th one, an unpleasant sight met his eyes.

Sirius Black.

"oh no, not you…" said Severus, and slapped his forehead


	2. We meet again, Snape

Chapter 2

"We meet again, Snape…"

A/N: The second chapter! Woo-hoo! *blows into noisemaker* Anybob, thanks to sally the rag doll for reviewing! Yeah, you're right, I am going to update this constantly, no matter how little reviews I get…want to know why? Because after I do this, I need to type up Snape the Ballet Dancer (which will be a hit, I'm sure *grins*) THEN finish Smith 3000, then Confessions of a Death Eater, then the sequel, Dan and Snape Strike Back, so I should be able to finish by January 2004. Really. I'm not joking. Also, I don't own the little bit from Max Keeble's Big Move, if you can spot it.

Anyways, read, review, and enjoy!

       "We meet again, Snape," grinned the obnoxious eleven year old Severus had been forced to know since he was in diapers.

       "So," said Severus, glancing around the compartment. "Who are these simpletons?"

       "This is Peter Pettigrew," Sirius pointed to a short, plump boy who smiled weakly and waved. "Remus Lupin," He pointed to a tall-ish intelligent looking boy with brown shaggy hair and nodded his head in form of greeting. "And James Potter." Sirius pointed to a boy with large oval glasses, brown eyes, and jet black, extremely messy hair. "Dude!" shouted James Potter, and smiled and gave a peace sign. Severus rolled his eyes.

       "What a bunch of lame friends you have, Black," he sneered. "Well, I'll be going now." And he left.

       Whilst searching for another compartment, a boy with auburn hair came up to him.

       "Hi," said the boy. "You can't find a compartment either? Same deal with me…want to look for one together? Oh, yes," the boy extended his hand. "I'm Dan Caldwell. What's your name?"

       "Severus Snape," said Severus, and shook Dan's hand quickly. "Listen, I can't be bothered with Gryffindors like yourself, I must be going…"

       "What are you talking about? I'm going to be a Slytherin," said Dan coldly.

       "_Right_," Snape said sarcastically. "And _I'm_ the Minister of Magic. Goodbye, Freckle Face…" Severus walked on when Dan caught him by the neck of his shirt.

       "I'm serious," said Dan.

       "No you're not," said Severus. "You're Dan!"

       "Huh? Oh never mind…just help me find a compartment!"

       And so whilst Mr. Caldwell dragged poor Severus around the train and back again, he thought about how his life at Hogwarts would be.

       The way things going so far, the prospect didn't seem so good.

*      *      *      *      *      *

       "Firs' years? Any more firs' years? Come on, we don't have all day!" shouted an exceptionally large man with a rather shaggy beard.

       Severus stomped out of the train, followed by Dan and his moronic friends, Dave, Bill, Bob, and a strange disturbed boy they all called Esquire. Severus was confused by this, but went along with it anyway.

       "C'mon, Esquire," grunted Bill, who was trying to pull Esquire off the train.

       "I DON'T WANNA GO, I DON'T WANNA GO!" shouted Esquire, holding onto the train for dear life.

       "Aw, snap out of it, you big crybaby!" hollered Bob, and slapped Esquire, who went plummeting to the ground. Severus chuckled in his thoughts.

       "FIRS' YEARS!" bellowed the huge man. The earth seemed to shake when he screamed. Severus ditched his…*ahem* _friends_ and went up to the gigantic man.

       "Excuse me," said Severus. "But who are you?"

       "Hagrid," said the man cordially. "Now get yer friends and follow me."

       Severus hauled his buddies to Hagrid and they set off.

       "Into the boats, come on!" yelled Hagrid. "They don't pay me by the hour! They barely pay me at all!"

       Severus raised an eyebrow and got into a boat.

       _What a strange man this Hagrid is_, he thought.

        "No more'n four to a boat!" roared Hagrid. "Or else you'll be tumblin' into the lake and eaten by the giant squid!"

       Everyone gasped at this. Dan, Bill, and Dave climbed into Severus' boat. Poor Bob was stuck with Esquire.

       "I DON'T WANNA!" screamed Esquire at the top of his lungs. Bob just sighed.

       When they got to around the corner, Severus gasped in surprise. In front of them was the biggest, most beautiful lake he had ever seen.

       "Radical," said Dave, who was suddenly wearing dark circle sunglasses and making a peace sign.

       Severus sighed and put his elbow on the side of the boat, his hand on his forehead. 

       _I think I'm going to die_, he thought.

       "DUDE!" shouted Bill, poking Severus. He twitched.

       "What?" asked Sev.

       Bill persisted to poke him.

       "I said, WHAT?" repeated Severus.

       The poking continued.

       "WHAT!?!?!?!?!" screamed Severus.

       "We're going in!" Bill squeaked, and stopped poking him.

       Severus slapped his forehead. "Baka*!" he exclaimed. Dave continued to make the peace sign. He looked strangely like a hippie.

       He hadn't been around here too long, but Severus could already tell this was going to be a _looooooooong_ year…

*-You idiot!    


	3. SLYTHERIN!

Chapter 3

"And here is the Slytherin Common Room…"

Severus hastily climbed out of the boat when it came to a stop. He looked back behind him, and that's when he saw HER. 

She had red hair, gorgeous green eyes, and the most perfect face. Severus stared for a moment, then turned his head back to Hagrid. He could hear her and her couple of her friends giggling behind him. Severus smirked and turned around to introduce himself, only to find they were giggling at that James Potter he had met earlier. Severus fumed, but kept it bottled up inside (as he usually did) and turned to face Hagrid again. 

"Les' go," said Hagrid, and ushered them inside. 

"Wow," breathed Dan. Severus decided that Dan and Bob were OK. He didn't really mind hanging around them. But Bill, Dave, and Esquire, he needed to work out a few…ah…problems. 

They climbed up the marble staircase to the door that Severus assumed was the entrance to the dining…place.

 "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." Was all Severus heard from the weird strict-looking old witch that blocked his pathway to education. Severus grinned to himself. Pathway to education. Ha. 

"Excuse me, young man," said the woman sharply to him. "Is there something funny you would like to share with us?" 

"No, ma'am," said Severus innocently. Sirius gave him an evil grin. Severus gave him a similar one. 

"Yada, yada, yada," continued the aged witch. Suddenly, while Severus was about to fall asleep, the witch went through the double doors. Severus looked at his pals. Esquire appeared already to be asleep. Bob suddenly snapped out of the trance he seemed to be in and slapped Esquire. 

"WAKE UP!" he shouted. Everyone turned to look at him. Bob blushed.

Esquire's eyes abruptly shot open and he jumped about ten feet into the air. "EVIL BUNNIES!!!!!!" he yelled and started to run back downstairs, but Bill caught him before he could.

Severus gave Dan a look. Dan rolled his eyes and said "they always do this."

"I see," nodded Severus. "So you've known each other long?"  

 "Yep," Dan nodded back. "Since we were two." 

"That's a long time," said Severus "Your parents all know each other?" 

"No," replied Dan. "We all met on this weird little playground in Scotland, and we all just bonded instantly. Our parents didn't like each other all that much at first, but now they can at least stand each other. Luckily enough, we all lived in London, so we could visit each other whenever we wanted to." 

"Cool," grinned Severus. "Much better than me, I'm afraid. I've known this one kid, Sirius Black, since I was born. I hate him, and he hates me."

"I'm assuming your parents are friends?"

"Yeah," sighed Severus. "Hey, look, that weird lady's back."

"We're ready for you now. Follow me," said the witch, and gestured them to tag along. When they entered the Great Hall, Severus saw candles floating in mid-air…just like his dad had told him.

"When I call your name…blah blah blah" said the witch, who Severus supposed was a professor. 

After the A's and B's, Dan's name was called. "Caldwell, Dan!" shouted the woman. Dan stepped nervously up to the stool where the Sorting Hat sat. After a minute or so, the hat shouted out "SLYTHERIN!" Dan smiled and walked on over to the table that was applauding. After the rest of the C's, and the D's, Esquire was called. 

"Esquire, Bill Bob!" yelled the professor. 

_So that's why they call him Esquire_, thought Severus. _What a dumb first name!_

"SLYTHERIN!" shouted the hat after about three minutes. Dave was placed in Slytherin, so were Bill and Bob. Finally, it was Severus' turn. "SLYTHERIN!" shouted the hat instantly. Severus smirked and strutted over to the Slytherin table and slapped Dan's hand. 

"Hey, Severus!" said Bill, and shook his hand. Severus sat down next to Dave.

"Hey, man," whispered Dave "I saw you looking at that cute Gryffindor chick earlier. You like her or something?"

"Yeah," whispered back Severus. He had been most disappointed when her name was called ("Evans, Lily!") and she had been sorted into Gryffindor.

"Yeah, she's hot," murmured Dave.

"Er…" replied Severus in an undertone. He wouldn't exactly call her hot…yet.

After Dumbledore had spoken, and after they sang the retarded school song that Esquire liked so much he sang it in such a high voice that practically shattered everyone's eardrums, their prefect led them to the dungeons. Everyone else was freezing and shivering, but Severus felt right at home. After all, he lived in a castle and his room was in the dungeons.

"And here is the Slytherin Common Room," said their prefect smugly (who's name happened to be Lucius Malfoy) "Boys dorms are on the right, girls, same on your left…wait no, it was boy on the left and girls on the right…no wait…" While their prefect puzzled his perplexing problem of where the dorms were for the first years, they all went and explored the common room.

"Look at this!" shouted Dan in excitement. "Severus! C'mere and look at this!" Severus hurried on over to Dan.

"Wow…" he gasped. "It's a genuine Merlin lamp! This baby would fetch about 1256 Galleons in Diagon Alley!"

"I _know_!" cried Dan. "And look! A 1894 genuine one of a kind crystal sickle is under this chair!" Dan reached under a chair nearby and pulled out a see through crystal sickle. "I need this to buy more Dungbombs!" Dan pocketed it.

"Do you really think you should waste something that valuable on _Dungbombs_?" said Severus logically. "Why not spend it on something more useful, like a gold cauldron, or more books, or _Hogwarts, A History_?"

Dan thought it over for a moment, then said "Yeah, you're right. I think I'll get _The Prankster's Guide to Pranks_ by order form. Great idea, Sev!"

Severus slapped his forehead. "Baka!" he shouted.

"Say, what does 'Baka!' mean anyways?" asked Bill, who had suddenly appeared behind them.

"Get a Japanese-To-English dictionary, genius," said Severus, and went upstairs to go to bed.

*     *      *    *

Upstairs, Severus met a boy in his dormitory. He looked Hispanic.

"Mi nombre es Snape, Severus Snape. ¿Y usted*?" said Severus.

"Me llamo Julio. Pero hablo inglés, así que a menos que usted quisiera hablarme español, usted puede hablar en ingles **," replied Julio coolly.

"That's a relief," sighed Severus. "I don't know that much Spanish…" Suddenly, Esquire came bouncing into the room. Since Severus didn't want him to overhear their conversation, he started to speak in Spanish again.

"De donde eres? ***" asked Severus.

"Soy de la República Dominican. ¿Y usted ****? " said Julio.

"Soy de England, *****" said Severus.

"Buenos noches ******," yawned Julio, and went to sleep.

"Buenos noches," murmured Severus, and put on his pajamas.

"Dude," asked Esquire "Why were talking to that guy in Spanish?"

"Because I felt like it," said Severus coldy, and climbed into bed and fell asleep. 

*Mi nombre es Snape, Severus Snape. ¿Y usted?-My name is Snape, Severus Snape. And you?

** I am called Julio. But I speak English, so unless you wanted to speak to me Spanish, you can speak in English. 

*** Where are you from?

****I'm from the Dominican Republic. 

***** I'm from England.

****** Good night.

  
  
  



	4. You're Driving Snape CRAZY! Just leave t...

Chapter 4

You're Driving Snape crazy!

A/N: Sorry for the long delay, but I wasn't allowed on the computer for a while…oh, and thanks to Britannica 2002 for the Newton's' first law thing! Wee for Britannica! 

And wee for Saranimal! I'M ON A FAVORITE STORIES LIST AND ON sAnDiE's FAV AUTHORS LIST! HURRAY!

"Newton's first law states that, if a body is at rest or moving at a constant speed in a straight line, it will remain at rest or keep moving in a straight line at constant speed unless it is acted upon by a force. Get it, Esquire?" Severus told Esquire for the fifth time that morning in the common room.

"I don't understand why you're making us learn all this Sev," yawned Bob. "We're not taking Muggle Studies for about another three years…"

"Because you all need your brains ready and in gear for the first lesson," snapped Severus, slamming the Muggle science book shut.

"Yeah," grinned Bill "For _magic_, Severus!"

"Fine," replied Snape angrily, standing up. "But don't come crying to me when…"

"No! Stay!" shouted Esquire, and pulled Severus back down in his chair. "I want to learn this."

"Yeah, it is pretty interesting," said Dan. Severus gave him a grateful look and Dan nodded.

"Ok, Esquire," said Severus. "Where does the rain in Spain mainly fall on?"

"Um…the plain?" said Esquire uncertainly.

"That is correct…" started Severus, and then the bell rang to signify the first lesson of the year.

*     *     *    *

"Welcome to Transfiguration," said the old witch that had sorted Latethem into their houses. "My name is Professor McGonagall…blah blah blah…"

Severus was paying rapt attention to Professor McGonagall, when Bill nudged him in the shoulder.

"What?" muttered Severus out of the corner of his mouth.

"Dave told me you like Lily Evans," whispered Bill.

"Yeah, so what?" mumbled Severus.

"You," said Professor McGonagall, strode over to them. "Severus Snape. Is there something else that you and your little friend would like the share with the class?"

"Nope," said Severus. Professor McGonagall glared at him.

"You might want to watch your tone, young man," she said warningly. "Or you might be walking down detention road,"

Severus nodded. "Okay, ma'am," he said. Professor McGonagall went back to the front of the classroom and wrote on the chalkboard some complicated notes.

After the notes, they were instructed to try to turn a match into a pin.

"MATCHINTOPIN!" shouted Esquire, but alas, to no avail, the match stayed a match.

Severus sighed, cracked his knuckles and pointed his wand at the match.

"MATCHINTOPIN!" he yelled.

The match turned to into a pin, but the pin was brown. Professor McGonagall came marching over.

"Your pin is brown, not silver," she said scornfully. "Try again,"

After several minutes, Severus could not get the match to turn silver. Dan, however, was having no trouble at all. He had turned about 50 matches into silver, pointy pins. Professor McGonagall gave five points to Slytherin, though, so that was something.

*      *      *      *

Later that day, Severus, Dan, Dave, Bill, Bob, and Esquire all walked down to the dungeons for their first potions lesson. Severus was very, very excited. He could hardly wait.

"Dang, why does it have to be so _cold_ down here?" said Bob as he shivered. "I should've brought my cloak!"

"Aw, come on, it's not _that_ cold!" said Bill sarcastically, rubbing his hands together for warmth. 

"Imagine what this place must be like in the winter," said Dan.

Severus didn't say anything. He was too busy trying to hide his anticipation for the potions lesson.

They entered the Potions classroom just as the late bell rang. Severu sat next to Dan, Bill sat next to Bob, and Dave and Esquire sat next to each other.

Severus looked around the room, and saw that they were having potions with the Gryffindors, which meant that Black, Potter, Pettigrew, and Lupin would be here. This also meant that Lily was here.

Severus' eyes quickly searched the room for her, and he saw her and a couple of girls who Severus guessed were her friends. They were all giggling at James. Lily, however, looked unimpressed now. She actually looked kinda bored. Severus' mind was holding a parade now, but he kept it to himself, and turned to face the professor.

"Welcome, class," said the stern looking man. "My name is Professor Snape…"

"HUHHHH?" shouted Severus, jumping out of his seat. He looked at the professor more closely, and saw it was his Uncle Sioux.

"Yes, Severus?" asked his uncle coldly.

"Er…nothing," Severus mumbled, and sat back down, embarrassed.

Dear, embarrassed old Sevvy-poo heard snickers behind him. He growled. A nasty look from his uncle shut them stupid Gryffindors right up.

After the lesson, Severus tomped to the back of the classroom, waited for his friends to gather their things, and stomped out of the classroom.

"I swear, Dan," said Severus, grinding his teeth. "If I ever become potions professor here, I'm going to take as many points from Gryffindor as I can, even if it kills me."

"You do that, Severus," said Dan. "Go be unfair. Be a Slytherin!"

"Yeah!" shouted (well, sort of) Severus, and slapped Dan's hand.

Boy, were those fools going to pay…

A/N: Well, how was that? Huh huh huh? Next chapter up soon! *turns on TV and watches Spongebob* WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA?! 


	5. Girls and Giant Purple Bullfrogs

Chapter 5

Girls and Giant Purple Bullfrogs

A/N: Here it is- the fifth chapta! Dear old Severus is going to try to snag his woman…let's see how he does…the prospect isn't so good…

       After a day's worth of introductions, notes, and teachers, Severus and his friends, tired out, slumped into the dungeons and into their common room.

       "Boy, am I beat," sighed Dave and sank into the only cushioned chair. Everyone else was either stuck with a wooden throne or an ice-cold metal chair. Well, to make matters worse, Severus got the ice-cold metal chair. He shivered for the first time ever. He barely got cold.

       "Severus," asked Dan after a couple of minutes. "If you like Lily so much, why don't you just go talk to her?"

       "What made you bring that up?" asked Severus, squirming in his seat from the cold.

       "Well, I was just thinking," said Dan, leaning forward so no one but Sev and the gang could hear. "I once liked this cute chick, but she was too much of a Gryffindor for my parents to approve. I want Sev to have his chance, so I say we arrange something."

       "Like what?" asked Severus curiously.

       "Well, I can't tell you that," said Dan smugly. "Only me and the guys can know,"

       "Well, that's nice," Severus huffed, and stomped upstairs to his dorms.

       "Wait up!" called Esquire, and ran after him.

       "What do you want, Esquire?" asked Severus, stopping in the middle of the stairs.

       "It's not me," said Esquire, picking his nose. Severus winced. "It's your brothers," Esquire (still picking his nose) pointed back down to the common room at Sly and Milton, who were grinning evilly at him, rubbing their hands together.

       _Oh great,_ thought Severus _How do they want to torture me today?_

       "Thanks, Esquire," said Severus, and went back downstairs and walked over to his EV-IL brothers. (not evil: EV-IL!)

       "What do you want?" sighed Severus.

       "Hello little brother," said Milton slyly. "We want to show you something,"

       Severus had a feeling that whatever his brothers wanted to show him, he wouldn't want to see it.

       "No thanks, I should be going to bed, OK, bye!" Severus started to run back upstairs but Sly caught him by the scruff of his neck.

       "Oh no you don't, Severus," grinned Sly. "This is _really_ cool." Then Milton and Sly dragged him out of the common room and into some other room in the dungeons.

       "Before you go in," said Milton. "We have to put this blindfold on you," Sly fastened the blindfold around Severus' head before he could object.

       They pushed him into the room and Severus noticed a faint smell of fertilizer.

       _This can't be good,_ Severus thought to himself.

       "Ok…take yer blindfold off, Sev," said Sly. Severus could hear Milton trying to hold in his laughter. Severus snapped the blindfold off, and what greeted his sight was…

       "A GIANT PURPLE BULLFROG!!!" screamed Severus, and backed away towards the door, but Milton caught him before he could make a run for it.

       "The giant purple bullfrog needs food," said Sly. "Give him 500 pieces of fried chicken,"

       "I can't give a bullfrog fried chicken," sniffed Severus, "Honestly, don't you two read?"

       "No," they said together.

       "Well, everyone knows that you should feed a bullfrog…"

       "Love to stay and chat Severus, but we've got homework to finish," said Milton, and both Sly and Milton walked out.

       Severus glared at the giant purple bullfrog.

       "STOP MOCKING ME!" shouted Severus.

       "Well, I would," replied the bullfrog. "But things are awfully boring around here, so you're the only entertainment I have. Now feed me some fried chicken!"

       Snape grumbled and gave the bullfrog 500 pieces of fried chicken and waited for it to be finished.

       When it was done, the giant purple bullfrog let out a giant belch and Severus glared harder. Now the room smelled even worse.

       "Can I go now?" asked Severus bitterly.

       "Yeah," said the bullfrog, stuffed to the brim of fried chicken. The door magically swung open and Severus treaded heavily back to the common room.

       If only he knew more magic! Then those idiotic brothers of his would pay.

       DOOM!

*      *      *      *

       "OK, Severus," said Bill one day when they were walking along the Hogwarts grounds. "Go stand by that tree over there and Lily will be there,"

       "Then, you can confess your love!" Esquire struck a pose. Everyone stared at him weirdly.

       Severus took a deep breath, cracked his knuckles, and walked on over to the tree (A/N: NO it was NOT the Whomping Willow! Don't you think Dan would be smarter than that? Dumbledore said it the first night! Tsk tsk tsk…you should be ashamed!) and stood there for about five minutes. He was about to go when Lily walked up to him.

       Severus felt sweat-lots of sweat-as she approached.

       "Hello," she said pleasantly. "Are you the boy that likes me?" Her eyes immediantly went onto his Slytherin badge. She looked at it distastefully.

       "You're in Slytherin?" Lily said obliviously.

       "Yes," snapped Severus, forgetting he was talking to his "girlfriend". Tsk, tsk, Severus. You must get your memory checked. "I'm in Slytherin, don't you forget it! I'm not taking any crud from Gryffindors."

       "Woah, chill out, Severus," said Lily, slowly backing away from the insane man. *sighs* Doesn't anyone understand that Snape is always defending his sanity? "I was just saying…"

       "That a Slytherin shouldn't be interested in a Gryffindor!" shouted Severus. Several people passing by stared at them. "GO AWAY!" he shouted to them. They quickly walked away.

       Lily now had zippo interest in Sev, if she ever had any in the first place. Needless to say, he looked like a girl when he was eleven, with the long hair and all.

       "Fine!" she said. "I'm outta here!" Then she tomped her way back to the castle.

       Dan and Co came rushing toward him.

       "What was THAT about?" screamed Esquire (see, he does have a brain!)

       "You really blew it, Severus!" said Dan.

       "Do you WANT her to hate you or something?" asked Bob.

       Severus sighed. They were right. He had totally and completely blown it.

A/N: AAAWW, poor Sevvie. Will he ever recover? Will he ever regain his dignity? And what in the world is he going to do to his brothers (is it just me, or do they remind you of Fred and George, only Slytherins?) ? Will Dan help? Remember, he has that prankster book now. You have to wait until the next chapter! I know what happens…this whole book is like a movie in my head. The plot is all planned out…you know, like J.K. Rowling. Review! I can't believe I have nine reviews already.


	6. The First Pranks

****

Chapter 6

The First Prank

A/N: Sorry for the realllllly long delay, but I was kind of busy being sick… Anyways, here it is! The sixth chapter! Wa-hoo!

Maybe it was because he was a Slytherin. Maybe it was because Sirius had told them about his nastiness. Or maybe it was because he had greasy hair. Whatever the reason was, Sev was mad. Really, _really_ mad. 

He sat alone in the common room the next morning, thinking about what happened. His hands were near the fire for warmth. It was always cold there in the morning.

They had acted innocent enough the past couple of weeks. They sniggered at him every chance they got though, whether he stumbled, stuttered, or slipped in a puddle of mud. But they hadn't done anything serious.

Until yesterday.

Severus had been casually strolling the grounds, unaccompanied, when he found an empty glass rolling on the cobblestone of the path. Severus picked it up, and that's when it happened.

He suddenly found himself up in a tree, caught in a net and being bombed by thousands of Dungbombs.

"AAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEE!' he shrieked, and tried to rip his way out of the net and onto the ground for safety.

He heard shouts of laughter from above, and glanced upward. He saw Potter, Black, Pettigrew (who was looking very nervous), and Lupin all laughing hysterically at him. Severus glared, grabbed his wand, and said a handy spell he had learned from his book. The net broke way, and Severus went gently falling to the ground. They were still laughing at him.

Severus growled and stomped back into the castle to wash himself off (seeeee he DOES wash his hair!), while they were still laughing at him from the tree.

"Hey, Snape!" shouted Black. "We did you a favor! Now you HAVE to wash your hair!" They all burst into hysterics again. "I mean, how else are you gonna get the dung out? HA HA HA HA!"

Severus gave them the stink eye, which shut them up instantly. He trudged back into the castle.

"Yo, Sev! What happened to your hair?" Bill called out jokingly. Severus didn't answer him and climbed the stairs to the Slytherin Boy's Bathroom.

"Hey…Severus? Are you okay?" called Dan from the bottom of the stairs. Severus didn't answer him. He was just sick. Sick of everything. Sick of his family, sick of his friends, even sick of himself. He was tired of being ignored and ridiculed. He was tired of holding his emotions inside. But he still had to do it. He couldn't stop now. It was like some sort of disease.

_Man, I need to see a shrink_, thought Severus, getting undressed. (A/N: Hee hee. I get to watch and you don't…you can only watch in your imagination…hee hee…)

"Severus?" Severus could hear Dan coming up the stairs. Severus quick;y threw a towel around himself. (A/N: Aaawww…)

"Don't come in!" Severus hissed.

"Well,duh," said Dan's voice from outside the door. "Listen, Severus, just tell me what happened after your shower. I need to know if a million cows came over your head and dumped their toxic waste on you or what,"

Severus sniggered.

"So…I'll be downstairs. Ok?"

"Okay," agreed Severus, and turned on the shower, threw off his towel (A/N: HURRAY!) and climbed in.

After the shower, Severus dried his hair with his wand saw his hair was still greasy. Oh, well.

He put on his clothes and headed back downstairs to the common room.

"Dan,' sighed Severus, plopping himself into an armchair across from Dan. "They pulled a prank on me,"

"Who pulled a prank on you?" asked Dan.

"James Potter, Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew, and Remus Lupin," said Severus.

"Oh, them," said Dan. Then he got a very evil look on his face.

"What? What is it?" asked Severus.

"I know how to get revenge," said Dan very, very evilly.

Severus turned away from the fire, hoisted the chair to face the stairs to the dorms. Dan should be waking up any minute now.

Severus wondered what his evil plan was…

A/N: Like it? Hate it? Too short? Too long? Think I used a Gary Stu (WHICH I DIDN'T!)? Review!


	7. They Have a Plan, Plan, Plan

Chapter 7

**They Have a Plan, Plan, Plan**

A/N: Hello, peoples! Here it is…the seventh chapter! Wow, this is coming along fast…guess what? I'm listening to Sk8er Boi now. *dances* He was a skater boy she said she ya later boy…

Anyway, read and review!

       After about twenty minutes of waiting for Dan to come down, he skidded down the railing and fell flat on his face.

       "Ow," Dan said, and stood up.

       "So?" said Severus, standing up too. "What's your evil plan?"

       "Wait," said Dan, holding up his hand. "We need to get the rest of the guys first. Oi! Dave! Esquire! Bill! Bob! Get down here!" Dan called up the stairs.

       All four of them came bursting out of the dormitory and tried to get down the stairs at the same time. Unfortunately, this resulted in them all plummeting down the stairs.

       They all stood up and faced Dan and Severus.

       "Now, follow me," said Dan, ushering them to a private corner of the common room.

       "At this moment," whispered Dan as they all huddled in the corner. "James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew are in the Great Hall, eating breakfast,"

       "At this hour?" said Bob incredulously. Bill glared at him.

       "Shut up," said Dan, and continued. "They THINK they will be eating deviled eggs, bacon, and toast. But they will get a nice surprise when they discover that the toast is actually toast with PEAS STUFFED IN THE BREAD," Severus sniggered. "That the bacon is actually escargot _disguised_ as bacon," Severus sniggered harder. "And that the deviled eggs are pigeon droppings covered in whipped cream, camouflaged as deviled eggs," Severus sniggered again.

       "Wait, it gets better," said Dan. "They will probably jump out of their seats and try to scurry to the bathroom but find they have been magically glued to the floor. Then piles of Mary-Sue and Gary-Stu stories will come flying to the ground and start reading themselves out loud…"

       "Mary-_what_ stories?" asked Dave.

       "What?" said Dan. "What Mary stories?"

       "But you just said…oh, never mind," said Dave.

       "Anyway," carried on Dan. "Then they will fall to the ground, covering their ears, probably, and then one of you will have to take the Polyjuice Potion and be McGonagall and do the chicken dance. Then the prank's over," Dan grinned. "What do you think?"

       "Great idea, Dan," said Severus. "Only there's a small problem,"

       "What's that?" asked Dan.

       "It takes a MONTH to brew the Polyjuice Potion!" said Severus coolly.

       "Aw, crud," said Dan. "Well, we'll just have to do everything except that. So…you guys in?"

       They all looked at each other for a couple of minutes, nodded and turned back to Dan.

       "Great," said Dan. "Go put your clothes on quickly. This should be a good show." They all scurried upstairs to get dressed.

*      *      *      *

       As Severus, Dan, Bill, Dave, Bob, and Esquire all entered the Great Hall, they immediately saw that James, Sirius, Peter, and Remus were all choking on their food.

       "It's working…" said Dan in an undertone, and they all sat at the Slytherin table and watched, since practically no one was downstairs yet, so they had a good view of the show.

       James stood up and started to walk out, but found he was glued to the floor. He panicked, gave himself the Heimlich maneuver, and glanced up. That's when the stories came tumbling down from the ceiling.

       The stories started to read themselves aloud, and they all screamed, threw up their food all over the table, started to run in circles, but they were glued to the floor, so it didn't work, and they were screaming at each other over the stories and basically the whole thing was pandemonium.

       Severus smirked to himself. Oh, had he gotten them back.

       After several minutes, Dan walked over to the Gryffindor table and said a spell. The stories POOFED away, Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew were no longer glued to the floor, and the food turned back to normal.

       "That'll teach you," said Dan coldly, and walked back to the Slytherin table. Severus saw them glare at all of his friends and him.

       "We'll get you back, Snape, Caldwell, Trite, Macintosh, Johnson, and Esquire!" shouted James, and sat back down forcefully. The rest of his stupid friends did the same.

       Bill shook his head. "They need help," said Bill, gesturing to them.

       Bob rolled his eyes. "Thank you, Mr. Obvious!" Then he sipped some tea.

       Severus drank his tea too, and glanced down at Dan, mouthed "Thank you," and Dan nodded.

       Severus was certain he had found a new best friend.

A/N: Love me, hate me, and want to throw a dungbomb at my head, I don't care. Just review! PLEASE!


	8. Conversations with SnapeConversation 1

Chapter 8

Conversations With Snape- Conversation 1

A/N: Every eight chapters I'm going to have an interview with the current Severus, the one who is in his mid-thirties, about what has happened in the past eight chapters. OK? Ok.

Jackie (me, of course): How are you doing today Professor Snape?

Snape: Fine, thank you. 

Jackie: What did you feel or experience when James and his friends pulled that nasty trick on you?

Snape: I felt very, very angry. I wanted to slit their throats.

Jackie: Do you still want to slit them?

Snape: Yes. Very much.

Jackie: Could you possibly explain why you liked Lily, and possibly why you still do now?

Snape: She had lots of energy, lots of spirit. She was loyal, brave, and attractive. The first time I saw her it was merely on prettiness. As I got to know her, I liked her more and more. Now, it is even worse for me, because she has passed on, and since-

Jackie: Hey! Don't give the story away for our readers!

Snape: Sorry. Wait…why exactly are you asking me these questions? Are you writing a story on me? If you are…

Jackie (hastily changes the subject): Have you ever hated your brothers so much you wanted to kill them?

Snape: (hesitates) …Yes.

Jackie: Did you? Kill them, I mean?

Snape. No. There were some very close calls, though.

Jackie: When was this close call?

Snape: When I was in my third year. They had carried me too far, and…

Jackie: (clears throat)

Snape: Oh, sorry.

Jackie: Anybob…

Snape: Hey! That's my saying!

Jackie: Whatever.

Snape: I will not be spoken to like that! 5 points from Gryffindor!

Jackie: But I don't go to Hogwarts.

Snape: Oh. WAIT! Are you a muggle who is on fanfiction.net? And is writing a story about me?

Jackie: Yep.

Snape: GREAT! I have no control over that sort of thing! (slumps in seat) So, what were you saying?

Jackie: I was SAYING, that if you could change anything you did in the first few weeks of your first year, what would it be?

Snape: (pauses to think) I guess…I would've treated Lily more civilly when we were under the tree, talking. I got nervous, and when I'm nervous, I tend to get pretty harsh.

Jackie: Interesting. Did the first prank Dan dreamt up during your stay at Hogwarts amuse you?

Snape: Yes.

Jackie: Why?

Snape: Just because…it was funny and entertaining to watch. It was just good.

Jackie: Do you feel you got them back for the Dungbomb incident?

Snape: Oh, yes. Most definitely. 

Jackie: How much did you love your sister Taye back then, and how do you feel about her now?

Snape: To be honest, I didn't really love Taye when I was eleven. I was always having to be babysit her over the summer. Now, I love her very dearly. She is a great person and has not let Mom and Dad sway her into their ways. She is a very strong person, in an emotional sense.

Jackie: Last, but not least, where in the world did your brothers get the giant purple bullfrog?

Snape: I can honestly say I have no idea.

Jackie: Thank you, Professor Snape.

A/N: So…? Review already! C'mon, you know you want to…


	9. Halloween

Chapter 9

Halloween

A/N: Sorry for the really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really super long delay, but I was punished. Now, I'm allowed on again, and the story is done…in my head, that is. Now I know exactly what happens, chapter by chapter. I've even done illustrations for it. Oh, and beware some curse words as we continue through Sev's years at Hogwarts…and when he decides to become a Death Eater. So, here it is! Chapter 9! Yay!

       Severus woke up Halloween morning, groggy and tired. His left eye felt like it had some crust on it, and he wiped it off. He slowly moved his head up and saw Julio reading the Transfiguration textbook.

       Severus groaned, and unhurriedly climbed out of bed. "Hey, Julio," he said sleepily, grabbing his robes.

       "Hi, Severus," said Julio, not looking up from the textbook.

       Severus stopped moving. "Why are you reading that?" he asked curiously.

       "The reason," Julio said simply, and turned the page. Snape shrugged, and closed the curtains so he could change.

       After getting dressed, Severus ran downstairs and found Esquire wearing…a bunny outfit?!?!

       "Esquire…?" said Severus, slowly walking over to Esquire.

       "Hiya, Severus!" said Esquire in an annoying singsong voice (A/N: Is it just me, or are you strongly reminded of Professor Smith?). Snape looked at Dan (who was sitting nearby) with a confused look on his face.

       Dan whispered "Esquire lived with American Muggles for a year and a half when he was ten, and they celebrated Halloween by dressing up in costumes." Severus was still puzzled, but nodded like he understood.

       Severus sat down and took out the magazine he had been ordering for a couple of weeks now, _Potion Brewer's Weekly_. It was a new magazine, and it had articles on famous potion makers, how to make difficult potions, and witches and wizards who had invented new potions. It was rather fascinating, and Severus had become an avid reader of it ever since it had come out in late September.

       "La," said Esquire randomly. Severus groaned and rolled his eyes, and continued reading the article on Yolanda Clemens, who had invented the Itching Solution. Yolanda was rather pretty, and Severus had gotten caught up in the picture of her in the article when Bob whacked him on the head with yesterday's Daily Prophet.

       "Dude," said Bob. "We need to eat. We're not going to wait for you forever." Severus blushed slightly and put down the magazine.

       "Sorry," Severus muttered and walked out of the common room with them, Esquire trailing behind in his bunny costume.

*      *      *      *

       When Snape sat down at the Slytherin table, he noticed something was different. It was nothing big, or anything. It was just a small little change…that Snape was _not_ particularly happy with.

       Lily was sitting next to Potter, and Potter was going on flirt overdrive. Lily was smiling and nodding, and looking like she was enjoying all the attention she was getting. Severus gripped his fork tightly, and felt his face go red with rage.

       "Hey, I think Severus is going to explode," joked Dave, pointing at Sevrus' red face.

       "Shut up, Trite," said Severus icily. Dave looked kind of surprised.

       "Sorry, dude," said Dave, looking a little scared. "Just a joke…peace…" Snape glared at him, and Dave cringed a little in his seat.

       Severus turned his attention back to the Gryffindor table, when Bill moved in the empty seat across from him, blocking his view.

       "Dude, where've you been all this time? We were waiting for you in the common room for 20 minutes!" exclaimed Dan.

       "Sorry. I overslept," said Bill. "Oh, pumpkin pie!" Bill rubbed his hands together eagerly and dug into the pie fervently.

       Severus sighed and put his forks down. Nothing was going right. Heck, nothing _ever_ went right. His life sucked. It sucked goats. He lazily poked at his cereal with his spoon. He swirled the spoon in the milk listlessly and sighed again. He put down his fork and stood up.

       "Hey, where are you going Severus?" asked Dave as Sev stood up.

       "Um, I'm going back to the common room. You guys eat without me. There's something I have to do." Severus ran out of the Great Hall, his friends staring at him confusedly behind him.

       "La," said Esquire again. Bill glared at him.

*      *      *      *

       Severus collapsed into his bed in the boy's dormitory. He felt a wave of nausea, and was angry and jealous that Potter had gotten the girl he had secretly lusted over for the past two months.

       Severus grabbed several sheets of parchment and started to write his first story ever.

_The Abandoned Banshee_

_By Severus Snape_

_       There was once a time in the land of the wizards and witches when banshees ruled the earth._

       Severus knew this was not historically correct, but continued writing anyway.

       _The banshees were evil creatures, who would scream_

       Severus was starting to become frustrated. He wasn't exactly sure what banshees did. So, he discarded that piece of parchment and began to write something new.

_The Slytherin Boy_

_By Severus Snape_

_       Once upon a year, there was a boy that got sorted into Slytherin. His father had pressured him to be in Slytherin, and…_

       Severus continued to write about a boy that was being pressured by his dad to be evil, and the boy didn't want to be evil. The boy had obnoxious and dumb cronies and insulted people to hide his own insecurities. He secretly liked a Gryffindor girl, but family ties kept in the way of their relationship. Besides, the girl hated him, and there was no way the relationship would've worked anyway.

       Now, don't get the wrong idea here, people. This was not a story about Severus Snape (except for the part about liking a Gryffindor girl). Severus was proud to be a Slytherin. The person he was actually writing about (but didn't realize until many, many years later) was a kid in the future. He didn't even know this kid but was writing about him. I'm not telling you who it is. You have to figure it out for yourself.

       Anyways. After Severus had finished it, instead of it being a two-page short story like he had intended, it had become a twenty-page biography of someone he had never met before. The story was rather good. Severus felt refreshed now, and packed his bag for the first lesson of the day.

A/N: Like it? Are you wondering who the boy is? It should be very obvious…but if you don't know, I'll mention it in the next chapter.

Oo! I just had an idea. Whoever reviews next and guessed who the boy in Snape's story was, get mentioned in the next chapter, and one of their stories will make it onto my fav stories list! And I'll review their story! Bye! Beware the tenth chapter!


	10. Prank Number 2

Chapter 10

Prank Number 2

A/N: Hi! Going to work on this some more. Hope you enjoy! Oh, and guess what? I'm gonna make an official website for this story once I get 70 reviews! So review away! Tra la la la!

In case you're wondering, Julio owns himself. He's an actual person. The real Julio isn't quite as brainy as THIS Julio, but it's still the same dude.

And BTW, billybobfred has won the contest! Congrats! You get a free pass to my Fav Stories list! Yaaay!

    "Idiots," muttered Julio.

    "Who's an idiot?" asked Severus.

    Severus and Julio were sitting in the common room, quizzing each other for the big Charms test on the 17th of November. Severus had discovered that he and Julio had a lot of things in common-they both liked to study their brains out, they liked to be sarcastic, and they both had annoying older brothers.

    "The teachers," groaned Julio. "Why can't they give us a break? Sure, I like homework, but give me too much and my brain will explode."

    "I feel the same way," agreed Severus. "It's like they think we have nothing better to do than do their stupid assignments."

    "Yeah," said Julio. "We have to wash our feet!"

    "And scrub our ears!"

    "And clip our toenails!"

    "And sleep!"

    "And bathe!"

    "Oh, how could we possibly fit in HOMEWORK with all of our other glamorous activities?" sighed Severus dramatically, and fainted backwards in his chair. Julio laughed.

    "Get up, we have to finish studying," said Julio. Sev sighed. Once Julio had his mind set on something, there was no going back. Severus wished he were like that too. He could be distracted so EASILY. 

    Severus got up and opened his Charms book to page 103.

    "Okay, Julio," said Severus in a game show host voice. "Are you ready for the first question?"

    Julio laughed, then nodded and said, "Yes."

    "Okay," said Severus, still talking in the game show host voice. "If you answer this question correctly, you win-a brand new box of Every Flavor Beans!"

    Julio's eyes lit up. "Really?"

    "No."

    Julio glared at him, and then gave a soft laugh.

    "Anyway, here it is: What is the spell to levitate objects?"

    "_Wingardium Leviosa_," said Julio without the slightest hesitation.

    Severus was impressed. "Good. Now, ask me a question."

    It will be of no interest of you for me to describe the rest of their evening studying for the test. They basically looked up a question and an answer in their textbooks, ask the other, and the other would try to answer without looking, then vice versa. By the time they went to bed, they were feeling refreshed and prepared for the test next week.

*   *   *   *

    The next morning, Severus headed to the common room, when Dave greeted him instantaneously.

    "We have a problem," said Dave.

    "Gee, doesn't anyone say 'Good morning, how are you' anymore?" said Severus with a smirk.

    "Never mind that," said Dave hurriedly. "We have a MAJOR problem."

    "What is it?"

    Dave sighed. "Well, you know Potter and his crew?"

    Severus' eyes flashed in annoyance at the mere mention of them, but replied calmly "Yes."

    "Well, Bill was in the library yesterday, you know? And he was getting a book, and all that jazz? Well, Potter and his friends were behind a nearby bookshelf, and heard them talking about their plan."

    "What plan?" Severus asked, his voice rising in anger. "Is it another scheme to ruin my life?"

    Lately, Potter, Lupin, Black, and Pettigrew seemed all bent over the fact Sev didn't hate his life. They were trying to reverse it as best as they could, but so far they hadn't succeeded, thanks to Dan and Bob, the resident pranksters of the group.

    "Sort of," said Dave. "More like…a prank they're gonna pull on all of us."

    "What's the prank?"

    "That's just it," said Dave. "Bill never found out. Madame Pince kicked him out before he could hear what they were up to."

    Severus gazed at his obscure friend thoughtfully.

    "Uh oh," said Dave. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

    "Never mind," said Severus. "Let them pull their prank." And then Sev walked down the stairs, smirking to himself.

    "I don't like this," Dave said to no one. "I don't like this one _bit_."

*   *   *   *

    Later that day, Severus and his comrades were walking along the grounds, merrily, la la la, swinging baskets…okay, maybe they weren't swinging baskets, but they were happy all the same.

    "Let's sit," said Esquire after a while. "I'm tired of walking."

    "Esquire, we've only been walking for two minutes," said Severus, while Bob laughed.

    "So?" said Esquire belligerently. "I'm still tired. I wanna rest."

    Severus was about to reply, when he felt something slimy on his shoulders and in his hair.

    "Eew!" shouted Bill, pointing at Severus. Suddenly, Bill had a bunch of…whatever it was on him too.

    "Look whose 'eew' now," sniffed Severus.

    "Ah! Get it off me! My hair, my hair!" yelled Bill, dancing, trying to get the gunk off him.

    In a couple of seconds, everyone was covered in the stuff.

    Severus heard loud laughter from above him, and looked up.

    It was Potter. And his stupid, stupid friends. Severus glared up at them, and then suddenly remembered his plan.

    "It's okay!" he shouted at the laughing baboons in the tree. "Really, this is quite all right! We can take a joke!"

    The laughter died instantly.

    "Come on you guys," said Severus, a little too cheerfully. "Let's go wash up."

    The second they had gotten into the common room, Dan asked him "Okay, what's up?"

    "Whatever do you mean, Dan?" asked Sev in a mock innocent voice.

    "For a second, you looked like you wanted to murder those guys," explained Dan. "The next second, you're all 'This is okay, I don't mind, I can take a joke?' Come on Sev. Give it up. You're up to something."

    Severus gave a mischievous smile. "Maybe I am, maybe I'm not," he said airily. "That's for me to know and for you to wonder about." Sev gave a small laugh and went upstairs to study more for the Charms test.

    And to make sure what he was about to do was legal.

A/N: Review! So I can put up the site! Please!!!!!!!! I'M BEGGING YOU! *clears throat* Sorry. Sometimes I get a wee bit too excited…*laughs nervously* 


	11. Revenge Number 2

Chapter 11

Revenge Number 2

A/N: Hi, everyone. *waves* Hope you enjoy this chapta. Bye!

Oh, also, anyone who wants to do fanart for this, e-mail me at RubDev@aol.com

    Dave took a deep breath. _Ok, relax_ he kept telling himself. He panicked anyway.

    Boy, if he got caught for this, the guys would be on him like ugly on an ape (A/N: Ha ha, Spongebob!:-)). He had better be careful, and discreet.

    Dave slipped behind the giant willow tree near the school entrance. Dave took another deep breath and took his sunglasses out of his robes pocket and put them on. He put up the hood on his robes so his face would be at least partially hidden.

    Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Dave heard familiar footsteps. Dave took yet another deep breath. He knew what he had to do.

    James Potter stuck his head behind the tree. "Dave, I thought we told you the meeting place was going to be in the Forbidden Forest!"

    Dave grinned. "Why are you guys so keen on getting in there?" 

    "Duh!" shouted Sirius Black's voice. Sirius stepped next to James. "Because they're a bunch of cool dangerous thingies in there, and we wanna see 'em!" 

    Dave laughed and shook his head. "Well, I didn't want to risk getting caught by Hagrid and being lectured."

    "Naw, Hagrid doesn't lecture you," said James, grinning. "He just…well, it depends on where you stand with him, really."

    "Actually," said someone. Remus Lupin appeared. "We were just coming back from there. Hagrid was chasing us, because we were going to the meeting place and we got caught."

`   A small, quivering voice said from somewhere "I was scared."

    "Aw, Pete, there's no need to be scared," said Sirius. "Hagrid wouldn't hurt a fly…well, not us, anyway. Who knows how many bar fights he's been in…"

    "SIRIUS!" shouted James. Sirius laughed.

    "I was just joking," he said.

    "I know," said James.

    "I know you know," said Sirius.

    "I know you know I know," said James.

    "I know you know I know you know," said Sirius.

    "I know you know I know you know I know," said James.

"Guys! Enough!" laughed Remus.

Dave couldn't help it. He laughed too.

Peter suddenly emerged from his hiding place. He was chuckling nervously.

"Hmm…glad you could join us Peter…coming out of your hiding place…lurking in shadows all by yourself…" said Dave frostily, giving Peter a suspicious look.

_He's a traitor; I know it,_ thought Dave.

"Lay off him, Dave, he hasn't done anything," said Sirius. Sirius looked over Dave skeptically. "You're not still tight with Snape, are you?"

Dave shook his head fervently. "No," he said.

"You sure you want to be on our side?"

Dave nodded.

"OK! Come along then. You must perform the ritual," said James cheerfully.

"R-ritual? What ritual?" stammered Dave. Peter gave a small wail in fear.

"Oh, it's just the ceremony…so, you know, you're officially in the group," said James coolly, picking at his cuticles.

"Oh," said Dave. "Er…where is it?"

"Follow meeeeeee!" yelled Sirius, and ran off towards the Forgotten Forest.

"What do you guys call yourselves, anyway?" Dave asked Remus as they ran after Sirius.

Remus shrugged. "We don't really call ourselves anything…what about Snape? What did you guys call yourselves?"

"We didn't have a title either," said Dave. Remus grinned.

"Figures," said Remus, still grinning. "Snape wouldn't have the brain cells to form a sentence, let alone a name!"

Dave gave a hollow laugh, but inside felt really guilty. He knew Severus was extremely intelligent, but he wasn't about to say so. Remus would be offended.

At last, they reached Sirius, who was standing at the entrance to the Forgotten Forest like a distinguished gentleman. He bowed dramatically as Dave, James, Remus and Peter approached.

"Welcome, my dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear…" said Sirius, acting like a member of the Parliament. 

"Out with it already, Sirius!" shouted James.

"Fine," sniffed Sirius. "Dave, welcome to the Forgotten Forest. This forest, it was forgotten, and we remembered it. So, here we are, standing at the gate, whilst I am rambling on and on. The forest was an old forest, long forgotten by the staff of the school, millions of years ago, yes, a very long time ago, and we looked at the old map, and we found it, and remembered it. So, you see, it is not forgotten anymore, it is remembered. So, it should really be called the Remembered Forest. I tried to get it renamed, but they wouldn't, because they said it wasn't there. I invited them to see, but they said no, that I was too hooked up on sugar, and-"

"Can it, Sirius," said James.

"And then they claimed I was insane," continued Sirius, ignoring James completely. "So I said to them, I said…I don't know what I said. But anyway, this forest, it is the Ritual Holder place, and we use it. We use it, and we remember it, not forget it. Remembering, not forgetting…"

Before Sirius could finish his pointless speech, James, pushed him out of the way and opened the gate.

"Hey, I wasn't finished!" wailed Sirius. No one paid attention.

When they got to the Ritual Grounds, Dave felt his jaw drop.

Laid out in front of him was an elaborate obstacle course, filled with bridges over murky water, key spots filled with vicious killer rabbits, and grass that was filled with man-eating cockroaches.

"Er…what do I do, exactly?" asked Dave nervously.

"Get past everything alive," said Sirius evilly.

"What if I don't?"

Sirius stared at him. "If you…never mind. Harry the Hare will help you if you get stuck in a jam."

"Literally," said Remus, pointing to the of jam that was the very first obstacle.

"Someday, I'm gonna name my son after that hare," said James dreamily.

Sirius laughed. "What, and your son is going to be the child of Lily Evans?"

James blushed. "You never know," he said. 

Sirius snickered.

"And don't sweat it," said Remus to Dave, paying no heed to James and Sirius. "Besides Harry the Hare, we'll be there too."

Dave took a deep breath, and gave a weak smile. "You sure you guys are gonna be there?"

"Yeppers," grinned Remus.

"The _whole_ time?"

"Yes, already!" shouted James. "Let's get the show on the ROAD here, people!"

Dave chuckled. "Fine," he said, and stepped onto the bridge over the jam. Harry the Hare, Remus, Sirius, James, and Peter followed him.

Dave smiled evilly, and pushed them all off the bridge over the jam (though he spared the hare).

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" they all screamed as they plunged into the raspberry greatness of the jam.

"Bwahahahahaha!" yelled a voice from the bushes. It was Severus. Severus, Bill, Bob, Esquire, and Dan all came out of the bush, cackling with glee.

"That was excellent, Dave," gasped Bill between fits of laughter. "Slap me five." And Dave did.

"Oh, MAN, we REALLY got you good!!!!" Severus yelled at James and Company, who were spluttering at the surface of the jam, looking completely surprised. "Ha ha ha! I told you you would regret it!!!!"

"You never said that!" shouted James.

"True," admitted Severus. "But I sent you the telepathic message! It's not my fault you didn't get it!!!!" Severus then went back to his high-pitched laughter.

"Thanks for the rabbit, by the way!" Bob yelled at them as they all left the Forgotten Forest.

"It's not a rabbit, it's a hare!!!! It's Harry the Hare!!!" Sirius called after them, but they weren't listening.

"Severus, can I just ask you something?" Dave said to Severus when they were out of hearing range of James and Company.

"What?" asked Severus.

"How did you _know_?"  

Severus smirked. "Let's just say I have connections."

A/N: There it is! The 11th chapter! Yaaaaayyyyy!!! Review! Review, I say! You want the Website, right? RIGHT?! 


	12. The Proposal

Chapter 12

The Proposal

(NO, not a marriage proposal, you silly!)

A/N: Ta-da! Here I am. As some of you may have noticed I have added another scene to HP Characters Gone Mad (whose title has been changed to: Crazy Pills, Orange Juice, and Evil Gophers, Oh My!) Sorry I don't update constantly. I DO have a life, you know! *smile* Anyways, hope you like this chapter! (oh, and just so you know, lots of the Real Julio will be shown in this chapter! _This_ Julio is quiet and studious because that's how I viewed The Real Julio when I first met him! But now I know he is truly insane!) And guess what? I have an artist! YAAAYYYYY!

    It was now mid-December at Hogwarts, and thing were really brightening up for Severus and Crew. They were being given a wide berth from James and Friends, Christmas was near, and they had the super-cool Harry the Hare, who proved himself to be a good pet, besides the fact his favorite food seemed to be Severus' finger. Yeppers, things were going really smoothly, until…

    "Pop quiz," said Professor McGonagall one day in Transfiguration.

    The class groaned, but Severus and Julio were both frozen in their chairs. Julio was gaping open-mouthed at McGonagall.

    "Wha-?" he gasped.

    "Is there something wrong Mr. Batista?" asked McGonagall, peering at him through her square glasses. (A/N: Ah, no, I have revealed Julio's last name to the public! Now psycho-stalkers will come after him! NOOOOOOOO!!!)

    "Oh, no, not all Prof," said Julio hastily. "I was just…there's a pop quiz?"

    "Yes, there is," said McGonagall.

    "A pop quiz," said Julio again, more like a statement than a question.

    "Yes, Mr. Batista, a pop quiz," said McGonagall.

    "A _pop quiz?"_ asked Julio.

    "YES a POP QU1Z!" shouted Professor McGonagall, her patience on the line.    

    "A _POP QUIZ_?" SHOUTED…er, sorry, I mean, shouted Julio, with a yell to rival a banshee's.

    "YES, ALREADY, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!!!" bellowed McGonagall, on the brink of her sanity. "Now, stop asking me already!!"

    Severus snickered.

    "And that's enough out of _you_, Mr. Snape!" said McGonagall. Severus stopped laughing instantly.

    Later, after the quizzes had been graded, Severus and Julio compared their grades.

    "I got a 95," said Severus proudly.

    "I got a 34," said Julio dejectedly.

    "A _34?!_" shouted Severus. "But you were looking so pleased when you got it back! And you seemed so willing to show your grade to me!"

    "Well, I didn't think anyone else had done much better," said Julio bitterly. "But I was wrong, obviously." 

    At that, Julio grabbed his books, jammed them into his bag, and was about to storm out the door, when Severus grabbed him.

    "But you always do so well on these things," said Severus. "What happened?"

    "I wasn't prepared, all right!" shouted Julio. "Sheesh! Why do you think I was stalling at the beginning of class, for Merlin's sake!" Julio yanked free of Severus' grasp and stomped out of the classroom, leaving a bewildered Severus behind.

********

    "What'd you get, Bill?" Dan asked Bill later in the common room.

    "An 89," said Bill the Optimist happily. "It's not so bad. It's just one point away from a 90."

    "You, Dave?"

    "An 86," said Dave. "Radical, man," Dave did his 563rd peace sign for the year.

    "Bob?"

    "A 76…"

    "Esquire?"

    "82! Yay!"

    "Sev?"

    "95."

    "Ha ha on all of you," said Dan grinning proudly. "I got a 110!"

Severus and Bob each threw a green pillow at Dan, who just laughed.

    Now that it was mid-December, the Slytherin Common Room was colder than ever. Dan had been right in the beginning of the year, the place WASN'T going to get any warmer in the winter. There was no furnace, how do you expect they'd get warmer, anyways?

    "Anyway, guys, I have a proposal," said Dan.

    "Oo, you're getting married!" squealed Esquire.

    Dan stared at Esquire, and then shook his head, like what's-the-use.

    "No, I'm not getting married," said Dan. "My parents have decided that, over Christmas Break, we could go to Hawaii and stay there until break was over. The only problem was, mum and dad thought that five of their friends were coming, but the friends declined at the last minute. So, we're stuck with five extra tickets to Hawaii. So, you guys wanna come?"

    They all stared at Dan for a moment, until Bob finally exclaimed "Hell yeah!"

    "I'm there!" shouted Bill.

    "Peace out! Let the waves cleanse your SOUL!" yelled Dave.

    "CROCODILES!" shouted Esquire.

    "I'm not sure," said Severus. Now they all stared at HIM, which made Severus shift uncomfortably in his chair. He didn't like being stared at by a large group of people.

    "Why not?" asked Dan.

    "Because I'm not sure my parents will let me," said Severus.

    "Oh," said Dan. "Well, my parents will talk to your parents. My parents are Debaters, and they can convince anyone of anything!"

    "Well…okay," agreed Severus meekly. Everyone cheered.

    "Oh yay this is gonna be soooooo much FUN we could surf, and body-build, and meet Hawaii people, and eat coconuts oh LOVE coconuts, and learn how to hula, and water-ski, AND I JUST CAN'T WAIT!!!!!" yelled Esquire.

    Severus laughed and shook his head.

A/N: yay! Review!


	13. We'll give them some pie!

Chapter 13

We'll give them some pie!

A/N: Heyness, everyone! Hope you are enjoying your lives. Well, here we are, the 13th chapter! Read, review, and enjoy! I'd like to thank my reviewers! You keep me going! Oh, and please check out the official website for this thing: ****! Sign the guestbook there, too, please…

     Severus was nervous. He was very, very nervous. He was so nervous his left foot was jiggling at hyper speed, which happens whenever he is very, very nervous. Why was he nervous, you ask? Well, he was about to get the letter back from his parents saying whether or not he could go on the trip. And he was nervous about what they were going to say.

     Suddenly, his owl Melancholy came soaring into the Slytherin Common Room (how she did this Severus will never know, and neither will I, nor you), and dropped a letter onto his lap.

     "What does it SAY, what does it SAY?!" shouted Esquire, jumping up and down.

     "Simmer down, Esquire!" shouted Bill, and shoved Esquire back into his chair.

     Severus smirked, rolled his eyes, opened the letter, and began to read aloud the letter from his parents:

_     "Dear Severus,_

_     Your father and I are very disappointed in you. Wanting to spend Christmas with your little friends instead of spending it with your family! You have brought shame and dishonor to your family unit."_

     "That's doesn't sound promising," said Dan nervously. 

_     "Can you go, you ask? Of course not!"_

     "Oh, bugger," moaned Dave.

_     "We can't believe you, Severus. You always had more sense than this!"_

     "Maybe we could compromise," suggested Bill.

_     "Don't even THINK about compromising, Severus, our minds are made up! You will be spending Christmas at home, and that is that!_

_Love,_

_Mum and Dad"_

Severus sighed, and threw the letter and envelope into the fire.

"Well, this stinks," said Dan heavily.

"It's not going to be any fun without you, Sev," said Bill.

"Wait, hold on, everyone!" shouted Esquire. "I have an idea!"

Everyone stared at him in shock.

"_What_?" asked Esquire bitterly.

"You have an IDEA?!" gasped Bob. "It's a miracle! Praise the Lord!"

"We can offer them some pie!" yelled Esquire.

Everyone groaned, except Severus.

"Actually, that might work," said Severus thoughtfully.

"You're losing it," declared Dan.

"No, really, it might," said Severus. "My parents love pie…whenever they get into a fight with one of their friends, the friends always bring over some pie and everything is resolved right away."

"Now I'm getting hungry," mumbled Dave.

"Let's get some pie!" yelled Esquire.

"In a minute," snapped Severus. "First we'll get cherry pie for my parents, then we'll get some for ourselves,"

"Wait, hold on a second. There's a little problem with Esquire's plan," said Bill.

"What's that?" asked Bob.

"Where are we going to get the pie?" asked Bill.

"I know the way," said Severus. "My older brothers always sneak food from the Hogwarts kitchen. I followed them once…I know the entrance to the kitchens and how to get in."

"Well, come on then, let's go!" shouted Dan, and they all ran out of the Common Room, following Severus.

*    *    *    *

"It's right here," said Severus, pointing to a painting of a bunch of fruit.

"Sev, that's just a painting of a bunch of fruit," said Esquire.

"It's not just that," said Severus. "It's the entrance to the kitchens, like the entrance to the Gryffindor Common Room is a painting of fat lady."

"How do you know that?" asked Bill curiously.

"Remember those connections I have? They told me," said Severus. "Anyway, I tickle the pear and then it opens and we go in,"

"Oh," said Bill.

Severus tickled the pear. The pear giggled and the painting swung open to reveal hundreds of house-elves working to prepare dinner that night.

Esquire suddenly looked very angry. "Slaves! They are enslaved! This a violation of the Constitution!"

"The _what_?" asked Dan.

"Don't mind him," said Dave hastily. "He's obsessed with the American way,"

"You bet your cauldron I am!" shouted Esquire.

"I would never bet my cauldron on anything," said Severus frostily.

"It's just a figure of speech, Sev," said Bob.

"And I was just _joking_, Bob," said Severus. "Anyway, let's go in and get the pie,"

"I want cherry!" yelled Esquire.

"And my parents will want apple," said Severus. Then, he walked into the room and everyone else followed him, looking all around the place.

Severus tapped a house-elf on the shoulder. The house-elf turned around and squeaked, "Yes, sir, how may I help you, kind sir?"

"Good house-elf, we want one apple pie and one cherry pie," said Severus importantly.

"The fate of Hawaii depends on it," added Dan.

"And my stomach," Dave piped up.

"Right away, good sirs," squeaked the house-elf, and scurried off.

The house-elf came back with two pies-one cherry, one apple. They were on silver platters.

"Anything else you need, good sirs?" asked the elf.

 "No, thank you," said Severus. "We'll take these and be on our way. Thank you!"

"Not at all. It has been a pleasure serving you," said the house-elf humbly.

"Oh! Oh! Éclairs!" shouted Bill, pointing to a tray of éclairs.

"Oh, I want some!" yelled Severus. "I can't get them, though, I'm carrying the pies!"

"I'll get some for you," said Dave, and grabbed about an armful of them. He grabbed a bag from somewhere and stuffed them in there.

"We'll eat these later," said Dave. "Just give me my pie!"

"Here you go, relax," said Severus, and handed Dave the cherry pie. "And we're ALL going to eat the pie, it's not just for you."

"Whatever," said Dave, shoving a giant slice of pie into his mouth.

*    *    *    *

A couple of days later, after Severus had sent the apple pie as an offering of peace, Melancholy dropped a letter on Severus' lap in the Great Hall.

"Open it!" shouted the impatient Bob.

Sev opened the envelope, and began to read:

_"Dearest Severus,_

_Thank you for the delicious pie. It was scrumptious! You may go to Hawaii. Be sure to send us a postcard!_

_                                                                      Love,_

_                                                           Mum and Dad"     _"YES!" shouted Dan, jumping out of his seat, fist in the air.

"Hurray!" yelled Dave.

"Woo-hoo!" Bill piped up.

"Excellent!" screamed Bob.

"Weeeeeeeeeeee!!!" yelled Esquire, doing a tribal dance on the table, knocking all the food off of it.

Severus couldn't help but smile a really toothy grin.

A/N: Hmmm? You like? Review! Oh, and to Chimbo Baggins…yes, you may name your child after Esquire! Let us all hope he will be just as insane as Esquire himself!!! And yes, Dan is hot, but in my opinion, Bob is hotter! *drools*


	14. Across the Atlantic and Through the US t...

Chapter 14

Across the Atlantic and through the U.S. to Hawaii we go!

A/N: Hello, everybody! Here is the 14th chapter! Yay! Oh, and check out the site and sign the guestbook…the link is in my bio…byeness! Oh, and I have never been on a plane before, so if the descriptions aren't quite right, my apologies! ^_^ Oh and to zippity-bang orangutang…you want to MARRY Esquire?! Well, I suppose it could be arranged…at a later time in the book, though, obviously. Unless you were just kidding.

          I shall be updating this story EVERY SATURDAY!!!

          Severus felt like he was going to be sick. Dan's parents, who were obsessed with Muggles, had insisted they take a plane to Hawaii instead of simply go by Floo Powder.

          Severus had never been on a plane before, and he didn't want to ever again. He was squished between one snoring, extremely fat ma and a sugar loaded Esquire. Plus, he felt like he was going to barf any second.

          "PEANUTS!" shouted they hyper Esquire. He threw his peanuts, who was sitting in front of them.

          "Hey!" said Dan, laughing. He turned around and flung his peanuts at Esquire too.

          Severus groaned and slumped down in his seat. Exactly why had agreed to this trip in the first place?!

          "Crocodiles!"  shouted Esquire, and flung his lunch at Sev, which consisted of peas, mashed potatoes, and corn.

          The stuff got all over Severus' head. He shot a death glare at Esquire, who laughed nervously.

          Sev shakily got to his feet, still feeling sick to his stomach. He walked to the bathroom (which smelled like a mixture of urine, toxic waste, and soap) to wash himself off.

          When he had finished and was walking back to his seat, he saw Esquire and Dan engaged in the messiest food fight he had ever seen. He wondered why the other passengers didn't seem to mind and no one was stopping them.

          Sev sighed and sank into his seat. It was going to be a _loooooonnnnngggggg_ flight…

*        *        *

          "We are arriving in Honolulu, Hawaii. Please fasten your seatbelts and put your seats in the upright position," said a voice over the intercom.

          Severus was very relieved. He had been barfing into his barf bag for the past 5 minutes, not that anyone had noticed or was complaining of the putrid smell. Now that he was done, where was he supposed to put his bag? He noticed a trash bag on a nearby rolly-table thing, and threw it in there.

          Since his seat was already in upright position (Sev liked to sit up straight no matter what), he buckled his seatbelt and prepared for landing.

          "The captain expects some turbulence," the voice announced.

          "Oh no," muttered Severus.

          The plan then shook violently for about 30 seconds, then stopped. Sev breathed again, only to have the plane shake once more. He sighed and banged his head against the back of his seat as the plane shook for quite some time. Finally, it stopped.

          About 6 minutes later, the plane landed smoothly on the ground. Severus gave a whoop of joy, and so did Esquire and Dan.

Instantaneously, all passengers unbuckled their seatbelts and got off of the plane, shoving past each other and calling out to their friends, and hoisting their luggage off. Severus got his luggage out of the compartment-thing above his head.

"Hey, Sev, can you give me mine?" asked Dave, who had been sitting in front of him.

"No," said Severus, and grabbed his suitcase and exited the plane.

Dave shook his head and got his suitcase. "That guy has problems," he said to Bill, who had been sitting next to him.

"We have to fix him," said Bill, grabbing his suitcase as well. "That's what Dan said."

Dave shrugged and left, Esquire running after him, screaming at Dave to slow down so he could catch up. Dave paid no heed to Esquire's yells and kept walking.

Bill shouted at Bob, who was sitting in another aisle of the plane for some reason, to follow him (Bob had been throwing up into his barf bag half of the trip, just like Sev), and they all went merrily on their way to the airport to claim the rest of their baggage-Baggage Claim! Yay!

*        *        *

"This beach house is really fancy…and big," said Severus approvingly, entering the beach house they were to be staying in. His words were true. The Caldwell Beach House was enormous, and filled with every luxury you could imagine. It had its own private beach and private boardwalk. You can probably guess that the Caldwells are loaded.

"I know," said Dan, and set down his suitcase. "I'm not blind, you know."

Sev smirked and set down his luggage too. He then collapsed onto a nearby sofa.

"Tomorrow…we surf!" declared Dan, as everyone else filed into the house. Everyone cheered, except Severus, who sat up immediately.

"WHAT?!" he exclaimed. "Tell me you're joking-please!"

Dan just smiled and said, "Maybe I am, maybe I'm not."

A/N: Bwahahaha! Cliffhanger! You'll have to wait until the next chapter to find out if Dan was joking or not…review!


	15. Surfin' USA

Chapter 15

Surfin' U.S.A.

A/N: Ha ha…as you can tell from the title of this chapter, you can see that poor Sevvy is going to have to surf…but wait 'til you see all the other stupid stuff he's got to do (not that surfing is stupid)! But that's not in this chapter, though, so you'll just have to wait and see! Please review, and enjoy the show…I mean story. Oh, and by the way, I know hardly anything about surfing, so if I get some of the lingo wrong, my apologies. I only know what I see on Rocket Power.

          "Please PLEASE tell me you're joking!" begged Severus, ready to get on his hands and knees and grovel if he had to. This was a rare event, Severus willing to grovel and beg. He hated to grovel and beg, you see. It was not in his nature. He had never had to grovel and beg for anything, really, except to beg his parents to stop fighting. They never listened to him anyway, though, and now I am drifting off-topic, so I'll stop my ramblings and just continue with the story.

          Dan laughed. "No, I'm not. I'm taking _all_ of Esquire's suggestions."

          "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" cried Severus in agony, pounding a pillow. Why, WHY did things never go his way?!

          "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!" cheered Esquire, jumping up and down in obvious excitement. "We're going to pick coconuts?!"

          "Yep!" said Dan happily.

          "Yaaaaayy!" cheered Esquire again, beginning to dance in victory. "And surf?"

          "_Duh_," said Bill, rolling his eyes. "He just said that!"

          Dan ignored Bill and said, "Definitely."

          "YAAAAYYY!" cheered Esquire for the third time, leaping about the room.

          "I can't," said Severus, sitting up, finally stopping his pounding of the poor, defenseless pillow. *cries* Oh, WHY, Severus? Why did you have to destruct the pillow? Don't you KNOW it's going to come back for you in your fourth year…oops. Forget I said that. 

          "What? Pick coconuts?" Bill chuckled.

          Severus glared at him. "_No_. I mean surf. I have no sense of balance. At all."

          "You'll have to learn," said Bob solemnly, sounding like a priest.

          "So will I!" shouted Esquire, who had stopped leaping. "I don't have any sense of balance either! We'll _both_ have to learn!"

          Severus was scared by the fact that he was like Esquire in any way, shape, or form. 'No, we won't," said Severus calmly, although he felt like screaming. "Because I'm _not_ surfing."

          Dan groaned. "Sev, you're making this too hard. We're_ all_ going to have to learn some stuff about surfing, except for me, because I already know how. Everyone here is going to have to learn something. Bill's going to have to learn to stand up on the board, Bob's going to have to…"Dan stopped and shook his head. "Anyway, loosen up and have fun, Sev. It'll be worth it, I promise."

          Severus shook his head. "I shall not be moved!" he declared. He felt oddly like shaking his fist in the air, but he did not. "When will surfing come in use in life? NEVER! I don't learn anything unless I have to."

          "Yes, you're going to have to," said Dave, who had been strangely silent up until then for some reason.

          "Oh yeah? Who's going to make me?" said Severus smugly.

          "Us."

          "Wha…?" gasped Severus as they shoved him out the door. "NO! Unhand me this instant! Let me go! You'll pay for this! I'll sue you! I…"

          But it was too late. He was already out the door.

*        *        *

          "I won't do it, I won't do it, I WON'T DO IT!!!" yelled Severus. He had been forced to put on a pair of red swimming trunks by his so-called "friends" in the changing area, to take off his shirt, to tie his greasy black hair into a ponytail, and to rent one of those ridiculous surfboards.

          "Yes you will," said Bob.

          "Whether you want to or not!" said Bill.

          And they pushed him into the ocean.

          "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" screamed Severus as his buddies practically threw him into the ocean. He hung onto his surfboard for dear life, as it was only way of staying afloat.

          "HEEELLLPPP!" yelled Severus. "I'm drowning!"

          "Yeah, right," snorted Bill, who had gone in after him. "You big faker."

          "I…" Severus started, but Bill dunked him to shut him up once and for all! Heh, just kidding. But Bill DID dunk Severus. Severus struggled, but Bill kept a firm grip on him. After 10 seconds, Bill let Sev come sputtering to the surface.

          "You tried to drown me!" shouted Severus, pointing an accusing finger at Bill. "You…you…person-who-drowns-people!"

          Bill gave a hollow laugh. "It's called 'dunking', Sev, and it's all in fun. Trust me, I didn't try to drown you."

          "Well, it wasn't fun for me," grumbled Severus, putting his arms on his surfboard.

          "Sit," commanded Bill.

          "Huh?"

          "Sit on your surfboard," explained Bill, demonstrating. He put his hands on the surfboard, pulled himself up, and sat on the surfboard with one leg on either side.

          "Er…all right," said Severus, and attempted to sit on the surfboard. But he lost his balance at the last moment and fell in the water.

          "Try again," said Bill, when Severus had swum to the surface.

          And he did. He tried and tried but kept falling in the water. It was no use.

          "It's no use," said Severus, spitting the salty water out of his mouth for the umpteenth time.

          "You're just not trying," insisted Bill.         

          Finally, after 2 more times, Severus was able to sit on his surfboard. He breathed a sigh of relief. No more falling down!

          "Yaaayy!" said Esquire, who had just come to join them.

          "You finally did it," said Bill.

          "That was good!" said Dan, paddling toward them. "As sure as I have a nose, that was good."

          "It wasn't," said Severus. "But thanks anyway."

          "Now for the actual surfing," said Dan, as Bob and Dave paddled toward them.

          "Oh, no," Severus groaned. He thought he would just be learning how to sit today. Now he actually had to SURF?! Madness! MADNESS, I tell you!

          "It's easy," Dan assured him. "Just find your balance, and stand up." He demonstrated.

          Severus tried, but slip and fell.

          "The board is too slippery," Sev complained, but sat on it again.

          "Try again," said Bill.

          "Okay, that's not going to get annoying," said Sev sarcastically, and tried to stand on the board again. This time, he stayed.

          "Yay!" yelled esquire. Severus sat down on his board, feeling slightly proud in spite of himself.

          "Now you all try," said Dan.

          They did. Bob got up on his first try, Dave got up on his third, and Bill got up on his fifth. Esquire couldn't get on at all. Finally, so they could surf already, Dan helped Esquire stand on the board.

          "OK," said Dan. "Here comes a nice swell!" He pointed to a wave coming.

          Severus didn't even bother asking Dan what a swell was, and paddled toward the wave behind Dan and Bob.

          "OK, everyone!" Dan called over his shoulder. "Just follow my lead, and you won't get hurt…well, most of you won't," Dan gave a look to Esquire, who beamed.

          Dan stood up on the surfboard and started riding the wave. Bob followed suite. Severus took a deep breath, stood up, and started surfing; his stomach feeling like it was going to be left behind with the others.

          He had made it about halfway through the wave before Severus messed up his footing when he was staring at the clear blue of the water, and fell.

          "That's okay!" shouted Dan when Severus came back to the surface. "Just keep trying!"

          Severus shook his head, and tried again. And again. And again. Finally, on his 12th round, Severus made the wave completely, for the first time.

          "Yaaaaayyyy!" yelled Esquire, who had not even made 1/80th of a wave.

          "Good job!" said Dan.

          "Hurray!" shouted Bob.

          "Peace!" screamed Dave.

          "Woo-hoo!" shouted Bill

          Severus grinned. He didn't want to admit it, but he was having fun.

          "Hey, everyone, that's enough surfing for today!" said Dan. "Let's go back inside for refreshments, all right?"

          Everyone cheered at this, and they all followed Dan back to the house.

A/N: How was that? Did you like it? REVIEW!


	16. Converstaions with Snape Conversation 2

Chapter 16

Conversations with Snape…Conversation 2

A/N: Hey, all! As you can see, I've decided to make this a series instead of one giant fic…and sorry about the notice thing from before, Chimbo, I was in a really bad mood…does this make up for it: CHIMBO BAGGINS CHIMBO BAGGINS CHIMBO BAGGINS CHIMBO BAGGINS CHIMBO BAGGINS CHIMBO BAGGINS CHIMBO BAGGINS CHIMBO BAGGINS CHIMBO BAGGINS CHIMBO BAGGINS CHIMBO BAGGINS CHIMBO BAGGINS CHIMBO BAGGINS CHIMBO BAGGINS CHIMBO BAGGINS CHIMBO BAGGINS!!!!

Hee hee.

Jackie: Hello, and welcome back to Conversations with Snape!

*crowd cheers*

Jackie: Today our conversation will be with…SNAPE!

(Snape comes onto stage as crowd is cheering and sits on couch next to Jackie's talk show host desk)

Snape: The last time I saw you, I _wasn't_ here.

Jackie: How does that make you feel, Snape?

Snape: Annoyed. I didn't know you were going to make this into a talk show!

Jackie: Well, I wanted to make it into a talk show…so I did!

Snape: I suppose I'm going to be here a lot…

Jackie: In a way…you're stuck here for the rest of your life!

Snape: (falls off couch) WHAT?! But…but my students! I have to teach! I have to make a salary! How else will I survive?!

Jackie: Oh, relax. You never liked those kids anyway. And your salary isn't that big…only, what? 3742 Galleons a year?

Snape: Oh, shut up…(sits back on couch) Besides, you can't ignore the fact my classes need to be taught, regardless of whether I'm there or not.

Jackie: No need to worry there…a clone has been sent to replace you.

Snape: Oh.

(Meanwhile, in potions class…)

Harry: I wonder where Snape is…

Ron: Hey, maybe he's been sacked!

Hermione: Far from it Ron…(looks scared)…take a look at the entrance…

(Harry and Ron turn around and see the clone Snape dressed in drag, wih blonde hair, He is wearing a feather boa, a pink dress, and pink high heel shoes. He is also wearing pink sunglasses.)

Clone Snape: Hello.

Everybody: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

(back in the studio)

Jackie: Well, anyway, how did you like surfing, Snape?

Snape: Well, besides the falling down, it was okay.

Jackie: Did you ever borrow Esquire's Halloween costume?

Snape: Of course not! Why would I do that?

Jackie: HEY! I ask the questions here! (sighs) Anyway…how long did it take you to get the stuff out of your hair that James and Co poured on you?

Snape: A long time.

Jackie: Why do you think they hated you so much.

Snape: I suppose it's just one of those thing…and the fact that Black probably told them all sorts of ludicrous stories about me. And I had greasy hair. And a big nose. And-

Jackie: Okay, that's enough! How do you feel about fangirls?

Snape: Um…that has nothing to do with Chapters 9 to 15.

Jackie: Well, I can still ask it! I run this talk show here!

Snape: Fine! I do not like the fangirls chasing me, but other than that, they'r eokay.

Jackie: Thank you! We'll be back with Chapter 17 soon!

Snape: Do I have to watch my life with you?

Jackie: Yes.

Snape: Oh, damn it all…

A/N: You like? Review!


	17. Scavenger Hunting

Chapter 17  
  
Scavenger Hunt  
  
A/N: HEY! I'm finally updating this...yay! Oh, and Chimbo, if you're reading this, please read my newly updated bio for an apology. And to those who have been waiting forever for some updates, I swear I'm going to update this more often. Really. Even though I'm going to be a member of the stage crew of the summer play (I don't have to do much anyway). And for those who care, I've added two more scenes to "Crazy Pills, Orange Juice, and Evil Gophers, Oh My!"  
  
Read, review, and enjoy.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" screamed Severus in pure terror as Esquire collided right into him. Severus fell off his surfboard into the salty water.  
  
_I hate salt_, thought Severus with vigor as he swam back to the surface.  
  
The wave was gone, and so was his surfboard. Esquire was bobbing on the surface of the water as well, a bemused expression on his face.  
  
"Esquire, you stupid prat!" shouted Severus. "What were you thinking, heading straight at me like that?"  
  
"I...lost my footing...." said Esquire weakly.  
  
"LOST YOUR FOOTING?!" shrieked Severus, face twisting in rage. "I'll give you _footing_---"  
  
"Sev!" shouted Dan, paddling toward them furiously. "Don't hurt him!"  
  
At this point, Severus had Esquire in a headlock, screaming about how completely idiotic he was and how he should never, ever set foot in the ocean again for the safety of mankind.  
  
Dan got off his board and pulled Severus off of the whimpering Esquire.  
  
"You could have killed him!" shouted Dan.  
  
"Oh, I highly doubt it," sneered Severus. "In any case, Esquire was being totally moronic---did you see that collision?!"  
  
"Yeah, but you didn't need to put him in a headlock," said Dan.  
  
Severus sighed. "It's just...well...he always seems to aim for _me_...and this time he actually got me...."  
  
"He doesn't aim for anybody," said Dan. "The guy can't aim, period."  
  
"True," admitted Severus.  
  
"I'm right here, you know!" spluttered Esquire.  
  
"We know," said Severus and Dan.  
  
"I think I'm going back to the house," said Severus. "Ah, there's my board...." The surfboard was bobbing toward them as they spoke.  
  
"Okay," said Dan. "Actually, I think we all better stop for the day, I have something planned."  
  
"Please don't tell me we're going coconut-picking again," groaned Severus. "I must've got clonked on the head at least twenty times." He grabbed his surfboard.  
  
"No, it's nothing like that," said Dan. "You can go in first, I'll round up everyone else." Dan looked around. "And find my surfboard," he added.  
  
"Fine by me." Severus sat on his surfboard and paddled to shore.  
  
Whatever Dan had planned, Severus hoped it wasn't too weird.

* * *

"_Scavenger hunting_?!" screeched Severus.  
  
They all had assembled in the living room of Dan's beach house after Severus' and Esquire's little episode. It was several days after they had first arrived, and Dan had already had them pick coconuts, body build (nearly leading to a fractured toe on Bob's part), and water ski (that, admitingly, had been fun). Now he wanted to go scavenger hunting? It was too much.  
  
"You don't like it?" asked Dan, looking concerned. "I thought it was a good idea...."  
  
"I think it's a great idea, Dan," said Bob hastily, always the peacemaker (A/N: In other chapters, it states Bill as being the optimist and peacemaker; this is not true. It is actually Bob. I constantly got the two confused because of their similar names, but not anymore!).  
  
"CROCODILES!" shouted Esquire, which of course meant that he was excited (if you aren't clued into the Esquire lingo by now, you are very sad indeed).  
  
"Hmm...well, what sort of things will we be looking for?" asked Dave.  
  
"Yeah, I don't want to look for stupid stuff, like a seashell or something," said Bill. "It's got to be interesting."  
  
"Oh, don't worry, these are plenty interesting," said Dan.  
  
Severus rolled his eyes. "Dan, no offense or anything, but aren't scavenger hunts such a...such a...such a first year thing to do?"  
  
"But we _are_ first years," pointed out Esquire.  
  
"Yeah, but we don't want to act like it," said Severus.  
  
"Who cares?" shrugged Dan. "It's not like anyone we know is here or anything."  
  
"Good point," said Severus. "I still think it's stupid, but I guess I'm in."  
  
Dan grinned. "Excellent. I shall now give you the list..." Dan handed them a list of the items they would need:  
  
_20-dollar bill  
  
A necklace  
  
Half-eaten hot dog_  
  
"Half-eaten hot dog?!" exclaimed Severus. "Gross!"  
  
Dan shrugged. "Hey, I never said it would be hygienic."  
  
_Employee's name-tag from that ice cream place  
  
Somebody's (not your own) bathing suit_  
  
"No way," said Severus. "No way am I stealing someone's bathing suit! How would I find one, anyway?"  
  
"You have to know where to look," said Dan vaguely.  
  
"Gee, that helps," muttered Severus, and continued reading.

_One of those cigarette butts that are always in the sand_

"Just so we know," interjected Dave. "This is on the public beach, right? Not this one?"  
  
"Yeah," said Dan. "You won't get far if you just stay on the private beach."  
  
_Somebody's hat  
  
A picnic basket (with or without food in it_)  
  
And thus ended the list.  
  
"This is insane," said Severus, folding the paper and putting it in his shirt pocket. "How are we supposed to find all of this stuff by ourselves?"  
  
"You won't have to," said Dan. "We're dividing into teams of three."  
  
"Radical," said Dave, making a peace sign. "Who are on the teams?"  
  
"Well, I'm captain of my team," said Dan. "Which consists of Bob, Bill, and...well, me, obviously."  
  
"Oh, great! So I'm stuck with these two duffers?" said Severus, indicating Esquire and Dave.  
  
"Not only that, but you're captain," grinned Dan.  
  
"Well, I suppose that's something," muttered Sev.  
  
"Okay, let's start!" shouted Dan.

* * *

"Okay, let's start with the easiest one-somebody's hat," said Severus, looking at the list.  
  
"I got it, I got it!" yelled Esquire, running to someone wearing a hat.  
  
"ESQUIRE!!!" screamed Severus. "I think Dan meant FIND one, not take it off—"  
  
But it was too late. Esquire had already taken the person's hat and its owner was now in hot pursuit.  
  
"GIVE ME BACK MY HAT!" shouted the person.  
  
"NEVER!" shrieked Esquire, running like crazy, waving the hat in the air tauntingly.  
  
Severus smacked his forehead.  
  
Dave ran over to the hat's owner and tackled him.  
  
"GYAAAHHHH!" yelled the person as they hit the sand.  
  
"MWAHAHAHAHAHA!" cackled Esquire, and threw the hat to Severus, who caught it and stuffed into his bag.  
  
Dave had the person pinned to the sand. "RUN!"  
  
Severus and Esquire ran like crazy. About 100 yards later, they tripped over somebody's picnic basket. Food came tumbling out of it.  
  
"Hey!" shouted the middle-aged woman who happened to own the picnic basket.  
  
Severus saw the opportunity, grabbed the basket, and shoved it into the bag. Then he and Esquire continued running like maniacs, ignoring the woman's protests.  
  
When they were safely out of the hat owner's clutches, Severus and Esquire collapsed onto the sand, breathing heavily.  
  
"Okay," panted Severus, taking out the list and crossing off the items they had gotten. "So, I think next we should look for---"  
  
Dave came running up to them, panting even harder than they were. "I—I---" He took a deep breath. "I only just got away!"  
  
"We got a picnic basket!" said Esquire proudly, taking it out of the bag and brandishing it.  
  
"Most excellent," panted Dave, grinning.  
  
"I think we should look for a cigarette butt next," said Severus, sitting up.  
  
They dug around in the sand for quite a while, when Dave exclaimed, "Found one!" and held up a cigarette butt triumphantly.  
  
Severus grabbed it and stuffed it into the bag. "We have two more items we'll probably find on the beach---a necklace and somebody's bathing suit--preferably not on the person."  
  
"Let's go," said Dave.  
  
They ran around the beach, looking for necklaces just lying in the sand, when Severus saw one on a lady's neck.  
  
"But we can't just grab it off her neck," said Severus. "I think the last thing we want right now is another chase..."  
  
"Yeah, I _am_ pretty tired," said Dave.  
  
"Not me!" said Esquire. "I had a whole cup of sugar before we came!"  
  
"Okay, we need to use your energy before it runs out," said Severus. "Esquire, you get the necklace, and Dave and I will look for a bathing suit."  
  
"I think I saw a changing area somewhere," said Dave.  
  
"Good," said Severus. "Okay...now!"  
  
Esquire ran off to the lady, and Dave and Sev headed to the changing rooms, where they ran into Dan, Bill, and Bob, who were clutching a bathing suit.  
  
"It was the only one in there," smirked Bill. "And we have the name tag and half-eaten hot dog already!"  
  
"So? We have the cigarette butt, the picnic basket, and Esquire is getting the necklace as we speak," bragged Severus.  
  
"So, we have the same amount of things," said Dan.  
  
"I don't like this game," said Bob.  
  
"That's just because you don't like competition, Bob," snorted Bill. "Come on, we have to get the other stuff..."  
  
Then they ran off towards the beach. Esquire was running back to them, holding the necklace.  
  
"I've got it!" he cried victoriously, and handed it to Severus.  
  
Severus stuffed it into the bag. "Good work, Esquire."  
  
"Oh, and I saw a twenty-dollar bill on the way over!" said Esquire. "Isn't that weird? I've never seen a twenty-dollar bill in person before! Wow! These American Muggles sure do have some weird currency!"  
  
Severus and Dave stared at him.  
  
"Er, you didn't by any chance pick it up, did you?" asked Dave, clearing his throat.  
  
"Of course not!" said Esquire, sounding scandalized. "I would never take money from the sand!"  
  
"YOU STUPID IDIOT!" yelled Severus, losing his temper. "That's one on the list! Where did you find it?!"  
  
"Oops," giggled Esquire. "Er, I'll lead you to it."  
  
Esquire ran off, laughing insanely, while Dave and Severus followed him.  
  
Esquire stopped when they were nearly under the boardwalk and stared at the sand. "Huh, it was here before..."  
  
Suddenly they heard loud shouts of laughter behind them. They turned around and saw Dan waving what looked like suspiciously like a twenty- dollar bill, with Bill and Bob laughing hysterically.  
  
Severus took a deep, calming breath, and turned to glare at Esquire.  
  
Esquire laughed nervously.  
  
"You are so dead," said Severus quietly.  
  
Esquire squeaked and tore off. Severus followed him. "GET BACK HERE, YOU STUPID, WORHTLESS, IDIOTIC, MORONIC PIECE OF VERMIN!!! WHERE ELSE ARE WE GOING TO GET A TWENTY-DOLLAR BILL?!"

* * *

"Found a bathing suit," said Dave after Severus had stopped chasing Esquire and they had returned to the changing rooms, both panting heavily. Dave waved a pair of briefs.  
  
"Good," said Severus. "Let's go to the boardwalk now; see if Dan and his team missed anything or left anything behind."  
  
"I want ice cream," announced Esquire.  
  
"Good, we'll get the employee's name tag while we're there," said Dave.  
  
Severus suddenly had an idea. "Quick---how much money do you both have?"  
  
"I have ten American Muggle dollars," said Dave.  
  
"So do I," said Esquire.  
  
"Excellent!" exclaimed Severus happily, which was a rare event. "All we have to do before we take the employee's name badge is give him the two ten dollar bills and ask for a twenty dollar bill in exchange...then we take his badge and run!"  
  
"You're really getting into this, aren't you?" asked Dave, giving Severus a curious look.  
  
"I like competition," said Severus. "Okay, let's get that badge and twenty dollar bill!"  
  
They hurried over to the ice cream stand, where a young man smiled at them. "What can I get you boys?"  
  
"A twenty dollar-bill," said Severus shortly, handing him the two tens.  
  
"But I wanted ice cream!" whined Esquire.  
  
"Oh, fine," snapped Severus, and whipped out a single. "And one small vanilla cone, pl-"  
  
"I WANT STRAWBERRY!" cried Esquire frantically.  
  
"Ok, _fine_!" shouted Severus. "One strawberry small ice cream cone, please!"  
  
"You got it, British dudes," winked the guy, and started to make the ice cream. When he was done, he handed Esquire the cone, put the single into the register, and gave Severus his change.  
  
"Er...what is this?" asked Severus, who was familiar with dollar bills but not coins.  
  
"Your change," grinned the man.  
  
"Whatever," said Severus, and put it in his pocket. "Now, about that twenty..."  
  
"Coming right up," said the ice cream guy, and he took the two tens, put them into the register too, and gave them a twenty.  
  
"Excellent," said Severus, grinning madly, and put the twenty his bag. "Oh, and by the way, we'll need your name badge."  
  
"What the-"  
  
Dave grabbed the name tag and they all ran off, laughing insanely.  
  
"Here you go, Sev," laughed Dave, and tossed Severus the nametag. He caught it and put it into the bag. They stopped running.  
  
"Okay, all we need now is a half-eaten hot dog," said Severus, looking over the list.  
  
They scoured the boardwalk, not finding any left on benches or lying around, when they saw someone eating a hot dog.  
  
"ATTACK!" cried Severus, and they all ran at the person eating the hot dog, who looked quite stunned as they tackled him and ran off with his half-eaten hot dog.  
  
"Brilliant!" exclaimed Dave. "We have all the items!"  
  
"Let's get back to the house, and _quickly_," said Severus urgently.  
  
When they got back to the house, they saw Dan, Bill, and Bob already there.  
  
"BLAST IT!" cried Severus in rage, and threw down his bag. The only thing he had ever gotten truly excited about in his life, and it had to go and be ruined!  
  
"Relax," said Bill heavily. "We got kicked off the beach for attacking a woman wearing a necklace."  
  
"It was the last thing we needed, too," said Bob, sighing.  
  
"Did you guys get everything?" asked Dan.  
  
"We sure did," said Severus, and felt very triumphant indeed when he displayed the items.  
  
"Congratulations," said Bill bitterly.  
  
"Good for you," smiled Bob.  
  
"Okay, since you won and everything," said Dan. "You three get special privileges to the Secret Toilet."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"What Secret Toilet?"  
  
"Yeah, I thought there was only one..."  
  
"Yeah, that's what you thought," said Dan. "But I kept it a secret on purpose so no one would try to find it. It's the best loo ever; you just wait and see. Come on, I'll show you..."  
  
Dan ordered Bill and Bob to stay behind as he led Severus, Dave, and Esquire downstairs (Severus hadn't even known there was a downstairs) to the Secret Toilet. Secret Toilet. It sounded like a parody to The Secret Garden.  
  
When Dan opened the door, Severus gasped in astonishment.  
  
Inside the room was the most magnificent toilet he had ever seen; even better than the one at home. The bathtub was made of black marble, and was so deep it could have been a miniature swimming pool. Lush, velvet curtains hung to its side, and the colors were such a deep red it was amazing. The carpet was plush underneath is bare feet, and it was deep red too. A giant mirror hung to one side of the wall. A large mural was on the ceiling that suspiciously resembled that of the Sistine Chapel.  
  
"Wow," was all Severus could say.  
  
Dave and Esquire nodded in agreement.  
  
A/N: WOW, that was really long, huh? Longer than I thought it would be...anyway, I hoped you liked it, and please review! 


	18. Christmas

Chapter 19

Christmas

A/N: And here it is, the chapter everyone (well, Fi) has been waiting for—when Fi appears! Yay! Also, there will be another character introduced as well. Who it is...well, you'll just have to read and see, won't you? Oh, and while you're at it, could you review? I don't care if you critique my story as long as you don't get too vicious.

Read, review, and enjoy!

Severus woke up groggily one morning, and was greeted by an Esquire jumping on his bed, beaming like a lunatic.

"Aah!" shouted Severus, and fell off the bed, clutching his covers. "Esquire, what the hell--?!"

"It's Christmas!" yelled Esquire gleefully, and then jumped off of the bed. "Christmas Christmas Christmas! Yay!"

"Oh." Severus stood up and put the covers he had been clutching back on the bed. "Well, I guess we should go downstairs, then."

"Whee!" Esquire agreed, and dashed into the hallway.

Severus sighed and began to make his bed. He wanted to take his sweet time going downstairs. He had never really liked Christmas...every year it was the same thing. He would wake up, run downstairs into the parlor, open all of his presents with his siblings, and right after, his parents would get into an argument about how much money they were using by getting all of these expensive presents for all of their children, even though they had nothing to worry about. It was rather annoying. One year it got so bad that his mum threw a vase at his father's head. He'd ducked, but she kept on throwing things at him, shrieking about how he never paid attention to their finances and that he ought to "get the hell out of my house!" His father had shouted back that it wasn't her house, anyway, it was his, and if anyone was to be leaving it should be her!

So she did.

She came back a couple of days later, apologized, and everyone forgot about it.

After Severus was done making his bed, he put on his bathrobe and went downstairs, where everyone was already gathered around the Christmas tree.

"C'mon, Sev, we're about to open presents," said Dave, his mouth full of bacon.

Severus sat in between Bill and Bob. Bill handed him the plate of bacon that was going around.

"Thanks," said Severus, took a strip of bacon, and handed the plate to Bob.

"What, only one strip?" shouted Bill incredulously.

"Do you realize how artery-clogging these things are?" said Severus sternly, waving the strip in Bill's face.

"You're too mature for your own good, Severus," smiled Mrs. Caldwell. She was a very pretty lady, with long curls and auburn hair like her son's. She picked up a present from under the Christmas tree. "This one's for you, Dan."

"Thanks, Mum." Dan grabbed the present and tore the wrapping paper open. "Wicked! A pack of Chocolate Frog cards! Thanks!"

And things continued that way for the rest of the morning. Severus received a living model of The Hogwarts Express from Dave with tiny living people inside, a potions kit from Bob (he was far beyond the level of that particular potions kit, but he appreciated the gesture), a sock bunny from Esquire ("Er...thanks...I think..."), and a piggy bank in the shape of a cauldron from Bill. But Dan had given him the best gift of all...

"The Potion Brewer's Guide to Potions!" exclaimed Severus as he opened his present.

"Do you like it?" asked Dan worriedly. "I knew you liked Potions, so I thought that you might like it..."

"Like it?" shouted Severus in shock. "I love it! And I've never said that before! Wow! Weird!" He just could not stop talking in exclamation points. He had never been this excited over a present before.

"What? You mean you've never said that you loved something before?" asked Dave in astonishment.

"Yeah! Isn't it weird! I've just never really got the chance to! Nothing to love, really! With my family it went without saying! But now--yes! Bwa!"

"Okay, you need to calm down," said Esquire.

"Ah, the irony," sighed Bob wistfully.

"Irony! Ha! That's funny!" giggled Severus in glee.

"Okay, somebody needs to shoot him with a tranquilizer dart or something," said Bill. "I've never heard him giggle before...this is disturbing..."

"You sure now how to pick presents, Dan," laughed Dave. Dan laughed too.

Severus let out a laugh so high-pitched that the rest of them had to cover their ears.

"Merlin's beard, did someone slip something into his bacon?" shouted Esquire.

"How could they have done that?" asked Dan.

"I dunno," said Esquire.

Severus just continued laughing. He could not for the life of him figure out why he was so damn happy over a book.

"Okay, somebody shut him up!" yelled Bill.

Dave crawled over and slapped Severus on the face.

"Sorry, but you were getting hysterical," said Dave as he edged back to his spot on the floor.

"Thanks," said Severus, returning slowly into his old self. He rubbed the spot where Dave had slapped him.

"Is everyone done opening their presents?" asked Mr. Caldwell, popping his head out of the kitchen. He was a thin man with thinning dark brown hair. He reminded Severus of somebody, but he couldn't place exactly who.

"Yes," everyone said in unison.

"Okay, then!" said Mr. Caldwell. He stepped into the parlor; he was holding a large red and green cake with the words "MERRY X-MAS" written sloppily in icing on it.

"CAKE!!!!!" screamed Esquire, and lunged at Mr. Caldwell.

"What the-?" he gasped, as Esquire tackled him. The cake went flying and landed on the white carpet.

The boys started laughing.

"Oh, dear," said Mrs. Caldwell.

"Where's the cake?" asked Esquire, looking around wildly. When he saw the cake on the floor he burst into tears.

"Shh, it's okay, Bill Bob, it's all right," said Mrs. Caldwell soothingly as she walked over to them.

"C-cake," sobbed Esquire. "It's _dead_..." He began to cry even harder.

While Mrs. Caldwell tried to calm down Esquire (she wasn't succeeding), the rest of the gang went upstairs to put on their clothes for a day on the town.

* * *

After Esquire had stopped crying over the deceased cake and had gotten dressed, they said goodbye to Dan's parents and took a taxi into town.

They were all very cramped in the taxi. Severus was sitting in the front, and Esquire, Dan, Dave, Bill, and Bob were all very smushed together in the back seat. It was very difficult to move.

"Look at that Muggle!" exclaimed Bill, nodding his head in the direction of the window. The taxi driver gave him an odd look in the rearview mirror but said nothing.

They all looked out the window and saw the large woman with the picnic basket from the scavenger hunt wearing a very large hat completely covered in dolphin keychains. In fact, everything she wore was covered in dolphin keychains, even her shoes.

Everyone stared at her as they passed, even the driver.

"Eyes on the road!" demanded Severus after they had passed her. The driver blinked and looked back at the street.

After laughing at a few more Muggles, they had finally arrived at the public beach.

"Wheeee!" Esquire shouted. He threw his bag aside and, still wearing his clothes, ran to the ocean and jumped in.

Severus and Bill rolled their eyes, while Dave and Dan went after him.

"Honestly, you'd think the sugar from yesterday would've worn off by now," muttered Severus.

"He had some when he woke up," said Bill. "It's amazing how he's never even had a cavity before."

"Maybe his teeth have grown an immunity."

Dan, Dave, and Esquire all came back soaking wet. Esquire was beaming.

"Couldn't you have waited until we changed into our bathing suits?" complained Dave.

"Nope!" replied Esquire.

They all changed in the changing rooms, got their surfboards, and went surfing. No tourists were there since it was morning, so they practically had the whole place to themselves.

After they were done surfing, they sat on the beach and had lunch. They explored the boardwalk for a bit, laughing at the Muggles and playing some boardwalk games. Bob won a giant stuffed bunny, which he gave to Esquire, who was excited beyond belief.

"Your name is Bunny, oh yes it is," cooed Esquire to the bunny.

"Oh, how original," said Severus sarcastically.

They spent the rest of the day in the small amusement park, riding the same rollercoaster over and over until they all threw up.

When their curfew had finally arrived, Dan started to hail a taxi, but Bill grabbed his arm.

"I don't think we should be going home just yet," said Bill.

"We've done everything there is to do here," said Dan. "It's 8:00 at night, it takes an hour to get back to the beach house, and my mum and dad are probably pissed as it is. Our curfew is 8. It's 8 right now. We _need_ to leave."

Bill let go of his arm. "It's just...I heard about this party," he said in a low voice. "It's one being held by a _wizard._ Come on, don't pretend like you're not dying to get away from these Muggles."

"Where could you have possibly heard that?" asked Dave skeptically.

Bill shrugged. "I have my ways."

"Dan's right," said Severus. "We need to get back."

Bill snorted. "Fine. Go if you want to. But _I'm_ going to the party." He started walking away. "Come on, Bob."

Bob hesitated.

Bill whirled around. "Are you coming or not?"

"Well...I just don't think it's such a good idea..." said Bob slowly.

Bill sneered. "Of course. Always avoiding the wild sides of life...typical Bob."

He started walking away again when Esquire cried, "I'll go!"

Bill stopped and turned around. "All right, Esquire!"

"Esquire, what are you doing?" hissed Dan.

Esquire shrugged. "He can't go by himself, can he? He might...I dunno...get hurt or something." And with that, Esquire ran to catch up with Bill.

"I guess I have to go too," said Dave reluctantly.

"What?! Why?" exclaimed Dan.

"Y'know," muttered Dave, "I have to watch out for Esquire. He's more likely to hurt himself than Bill." Then he ran to catch up with Bill and Esquire.

Bob sighed. "I might as well..." Then he went to catch up with the others.

Severus and Dan stared after them as they made their way across the beach.

"Do you think we should...?" Dan asked Severus.

Severus shrugged. "Whatever you want. Personally, I think we shouldn't, but it's your call."

Dan hesitated, and then he took off.

Severus sighed and followed Dan. This would surely end in disaster...

* * *

About twenty minutes later, they had reached the building where the party was being held. They went inside and were greeted by a loud BANG of Filibuster Fireworks.

"Yep, this is definitely a wizard's party," confirmed Dave.

"No kidding," said Dan.

"Bill!" A girl with long dark brown hair ran over and tackled Bill to the ground. "You came!"

"Hi, Fi," said Bill. "Please get off of me..."

She laughed and stood up. She beamed. "Hello!"

"Er, hi," said Dan.

"Peace," said Dave, making a peace sign.

"Hello," said Bob, smiling.

"Whee!" said Esquire.

"Hello," said Severus stiffly. "Were you the one who informed Bill of this...party?"

"Yep," she grinned. "It's fantastic, isn't it? My cousin Jon is hosting. He's over by the kegs of butterbeer." She pointed to a man wearing robes of dark blue surrounded by kegs of butterbeer.

"You're British, are you?" asked Severus.

"Yeah," said Fi. "I'm here on vacation. Do you guys go to Hogwarts?"

"Yep," said Dave. "We're in first year."

"So am I!" she beamed. "I wonder why I haven't seen you before."

"We're in Slytherin," piped up Esquire. "What house are you in?"

"Ravenclaw," she said. "Actually, now that I think about it, I think I remember seeing you guys in Herbology...you're always in the back, right?"

Esquire snapped his fingers. "Yeah! And you're always in the front!"

"Yes!" Fi gave him a wide smile. Esquire grinned too.

Severus cleared his throat. "So, since we are all acquainted with each other, why don't I get us all some beverages?"

"Excellent idea," said Bill, clapping Severus on the back.

"Ouch," grimaced Severus. He walked off towards the man standing near the butterbeers.

After he had returned with the butterbeers, they all chatted for a long time, and Severus was upset to discover that Fi, like Esquire, had an obsessive love for sugar.

"Sometimes I eat five pounds a day," she said matter-of-factly.

"That's nothing," scoffed Esquire. "I eat at least ten pounds a day!"

Fi looked over at him, impressed. "Really?"

"Yep," said Esquire proudly, puffing out his chest. "And I've never even had any cavities!"

She gaped at him. "That's not fair! I've had at least five cavities in my eleven-year old life and I eat less than you do!"

"Perhaps he's grown immune to it," said Severus through gritted teeth.

"What's _up_ with that guy?" Fi asked Bill.

"He had a bad childhood," said Bill casually.

"I'M _IN_ MY CHILDHOOD!" yelled Severus.

"Exactly," said Bill.

Severus glared at him, but didn't say anything else.

"I'm only saying!" said Bill.

Dan looked at his watch and gasped. "Holy fish-paste, Batman, it's midnight!"

"Huh?" said Severus.

"It's a Muggle expression," explained Dan hastily. "But we have to—"

"How do you guys know all of those American Muggle expressions, anyway?" interrupted Severus.

"Dave and Esquire went to the Americas for a year," said Dan exasperatedly. "Didn't I tell you that before? Anyway, they started speaking the slang, and we just picked up on it."

"Won't be long before you do, mate," said Dave.

"Never," said Severus firmly.

"We have to_ leave_," said Dan angrily. "_Now_. It's getting late. Actually, it _is_ late. We might be able to sneak in, if my parents are sleeping."

"Fat chance of that," said Bob. "They're probably up waiting for us."

"Oh, I _knew_ this was a bad idea...."moaned Dan.

"Come on, let's go catch a taxi," said Dave.

They all said goodbye to Fi ("Hey, maybe I'll catch you at the beach tomorrow!"), but before they could exit they ran into a Japanese girl with long, shiny black hair.

"I like shiny," commented Esquire.

"Shut up!" yelled Severus.

"Hello," said the girl. "I'm Kyoko. Who are—?"

"No time to talk, meet us on the beach tomorrow at 4, we'll talk to you then okay bye!" said Dan hastily, and they all ran out and hailed a taxi.

* * *

They finally reached the beachhouse, panting for breath (they ran all the way up to hill to the beachhouse).

"Okay," said Dan. "Let's quietly open the door, and maybe they won't hear us...."

Severus, who was good at sneaking into places, noiselessly opened the door and looked around the living room.

"No one's here," he whispered. "Let's go."

They all tip-toed into the living room when suddenly the light turned on and Mr. and Mrs. Caldwell were standing there, arms crossed, glaring at them all.

"Where have you all been?" said Mrs. Caldwell in a threatening voice.

"Uh-oh," said Dan.

A/N: You like? Review? You hate? Review!


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